Days in the life of a Christian thirty-something!

Can she really speak?

2011-03-07T21:58:00.006-06:00

I am writing this blog as part of a contest. The prize??? A scholarship to one of the most amazing women's conferences I've ever been a part of. The name? She speaks!

This conference was amazing. I loved it. It wasn't only about being educated by some of the most notable women writers and speakers for Christ, but it was a time of fellowship and worship, and, for me, a true reverence for God! He moved mountains for me to get there that summer. It was a gift. My husband got word to send me and he faithfully obeyed. Spending what he did on me that summer was a true act of faith considering our circumstances.

I left my husband and our three children behind, and off I went on an adventure to fulfill the dream I knew God placed in my heart, which was to some day write and speak boldly for my Lord Jesus Christ.

I had never done this type of conference before and really had NO CLUE what I was doing. I pretty much dabbled in everything from what to wear as a speaker to how to connect the generations! I was all over the place! And all these other women had sense enough to at least pick a track and stick with it. Needless to say, I only got a foretaste of what now I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, is the right track for me: The Speakers Track.

Here I am 2 years later and I am no better a speaker than I was the day I left the conference. I have been dormant! But today I opened my email and to my surprise Lysa Terkeurst is offering 2 scholarships for the She Speaks conference 2011!!! I never thought I would get the chance to go again anytime soon. I had truly laid it down and knew in my heart that God would bring the opportunity to attend again in His perfect timing. I have four children now, my husband recently got laid off and he currently holds a job that only lasts until May, and I stay at home with the kids. So truly, I have not even dreamt about going to the She Speaks conference. Yet all day today I have felt giddy at the thought that maybe quite possibly I would be selected to go...FOR FREE! Who knows? Maybe this is the way God is going to send me again. I don't know. But I do know that I need to be diligent and seek it out until the very end. And so here I am!

I invite you to check out Lysa's post on the conference contest. And I encourage you to submit your entry too if you feel like the Lord has called you into public speaking for Him. Just click on Lysa Terkeurst under Conference Contest! on the top right corner of my blog. To learn more about She Speaks just click on their link right underneath.

May the Lord bless all of you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you! May He show you favor and bless you with His peace!
Much Love,
Monica

EVIL GOSSIP

2010-10-13T21:49:00.002-05:00

GOSSIP: to talk idly, esp. about the affairs of others; go about tattling.

Yesterday I had a revelation from God about the wonders God would do if I would just let go. One of the areas was GOSSIP! I am sooo good at it too. Some sick satisfaction I get from it, I do. I guess deep down I feel not only vindicated but extremely gratified that I told about how betrayed I was or hurt THEY MADE ME FEEL! Heheheeh...

But God was very clear that doing so was a form of manipulation and control. If the tables turned and things started to look different in said situation, I could possibly steal the glory from my Lord and take credit, believing that it was something I said that changed the outcome. It is a total and complete lack of trust in my Lord. He promises to bring things to completion on my behalf in EVERY way (Philippians 1:6)! Me going about gossipping is like me saying to God that I don't think He is truly going to do so, therefore I might as well give my 2 cents.

I share this with you because I truly believe that if I refrain from it, except maybe sharing with my counselor, etc...I truly believe God is going to show up in a BIG way. I am not saying that this is the end all and if I just do this God will restore everything in a snap and all will be hunky dory. That requires a life's journey to transformation in God's word and a consistent conscious decision to bend to His will. But I do believe that during that journey God will go above and beyond if we truly obey Him. God hates gossipers. I got convicted of it and confessed. This is a new journey for me, but I am willing to take it on. Truth is...If I am not faithful with the little things God has brought to the light, then I will most certainly not be faithful to change the bigger things. And how could God use a disobedient child? Anywho, here are some scriptures to back up my conviction. If the shoe fits...wear it and join me! I truly pray that you read these scriptures, it has done me great! My prayer is to receive this word and let it soak into me that I may reflect the true image of Christ, so that I may be a testimony of "HIS POWER, HIS LOVE and HIS WAY OF LIFE, that I may do HIS WILL always!" (The Big Book)

Love you all!

Proverbs 31:27
She (he) looks well to how things go in her (his) household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she (he) will not eat.

2 Corinthians 12:20
For I am afraid that when I come I won't like what I find, and you won't like my response. I am afraid that I will find quarreling, jealousy, anger, selfishness, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorderly behavior.

1 Timothy 3:11
The women likewise, must be worthy of respect and serious, not gossipers, but temperate and self-controlled, thoroughly trustworthy in all things.

Psalm 15:1-3
Who may worship in your sanctuary Lord? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking truth from sincere hearts. Those who refuse to gossip or harm their neighbors or speak evil of their friends.

Proverbs 11:13
A Gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.

Proverbs 16:28
A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends.

Proverbs 17:4
Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip; liars pay close attention to slander.

Proverbs 20:19
A gossip goes around telling secrets, so don't hang around with chatterers.

Proverbs 25:9-10
When arguing with your neighbor, don't betray another person's secret. Others may accuse you of gossip, and you may never regain your good reputation.

Proverbs 25:23
As surely as a north wind brings rain, so a gossiping tongue causes anger!

Proverbs 2:20
Fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.

Romans 1:29
Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip.

Hallelujah to the Lamb of God!!!!!!!!!!!!

True Wisdom

2010-04-28T13:21:00.002-05:00

"Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom..."
Psalm 111:10 (NLT)

According to Dictionary.com, wisdom is "the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgement as to action, discernment, or insight." So basically, wisdom is the pathway to truth and making right choices based on that truth. Not only is this a necessary element for sobriety but it is also a necessary element for living a life of blessing. The question is, how do I acquire such a God-given gift?

Psalm 111:10 and many other scriptures in the bible (e.g. Job 28:28, Proverbs 1:7, Proverbs 9:10, Proverbs 15:33, Micah 6:9, Acts 9:31) say that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, or Yir'ah, as written in the original Hebrew text. When speaking of God, yir'ah means reverence, piety or respect. A San Antonio Pastor once said it clearly, "the fear of the Lord is a reverence for God that produces obedience." Simply said, if I respect the Lord enough to obey His word I will "grow in wisdom."

In my early days of sobriety I just had to keep it simple. Just do the next right thing. This meant discovering ways to follow the Lord's command enough that, because of the promise in Psalm 111:10, I would eventually be catapulted into the most healthy cycle known to man, i.e. I would obey, (as much as I knew how), which would bless me with wisdom, which would bless me with more right choices or obedience, which would in turn, bless me with more wisdom and on and on. I knew that I just had to begin somewhere.

The following paragraphs are simply my own experience. Surely there are many examples, other than the ones listed here, that exemplify how to fear the Lord. These just happen to be the ones that grew me in wisdom.

First, I knew that I could not possibly know what the Lord commanded of me if I did not know what He said. Therefore, first and foremost on my list was to read the living and active word of God! Because it is living and active, I just trusted that reading it would bring me said wisdom. Besides, it says in Deuteronomy 31:12 (NLT) that one learns to fear the Lord by reading His book of instruction. So that's number one!

Secondly, I knew I had to tithe. Somehow I just knew that letting go of money that I didn't have was a true test of faith in God's provision. This notion was confirmed with Deuteronomy 14:22-23 (NLT). It says, "You must set aside a tithe of your crops-one tenth of all the crops you harvest each year...doing this will teach you to fear the Lord your God."

Thirdly, I had to serve the Lord in faithfulness and an undivided heart (2 Chronicles 19:9 NLT). Therefore, I began to be diligent, seeking the help and strength of the Holy Spirit, in doing away with the things that were contrary to the word of God. If that meant not gossiping, worrying, arguing or any other sin, then it was so. Matthew 6:24 clearly states that we cannot serve two masters. It shouldn't be done.

Fourthly, I knew that I had to be an example and teach others about the Word of God and to spread the good news of what God had done for me. 2 Chronicles 17:7-10 shows how the fear of the Lord was a direct result of all the changes Jehoshaphat made including going out among the people and teaching them the law. I am certainly not saying that we should all just start a bible study or our own church and begin teaching the masses. But we have opportunities in everyday life and in our recovery groups to share what God is showing us.

Lastly, although this is not much of an action step but more of an observation step, the miracle of God conquering my addictions and other defects of character is in and of itself enough to produce the fear of the Lord. Joshua 4:21-24 shows how battles won by our God in our own life and the lives of others are parts of the fabric of fearing the Lord our God. Therefore, I am more in tune today with God's work all around me ever reminding me of His greatness, hence producing a deeper reverence for Him.

My prayer is that these things be accomplished through rest in Him. Not through restlessness and struggle because we, out of our own power (PRIDE), are trying to accomplish these things. The worst thing for me is to find myself sinning in one area trying to get rid of sin in another. God's grace is surely enough!!!

STAND ON THE PROMISE

2010-04-08T12:28:00.002-05:00

"Have you completely rejected Judah? Or have you loathed Zion? Why have you stricken us so that we are beyond healing? We waited for peace, but nothing good came; And for a time of healing, but behold, terror!"
Jeremiah 14:19 (NASB)

In recovery things can get pretty dark. And I want to take a moment here to remind everyone that I am not just speaking of recovery from addiction. Life in general is a journey through recovery. As you read this, and any of my blogs for that matter, keep that in mind and replace any references to my personal struggles with your own hang ups. Now that I've cleared that up I will continue. One would think that the moment we quit drinking or using, our life will change completely and all will become dandy! And although this holds true to some extent, simply quitting our drug of choice does not complete recovery. There is a spiritual overhaul that must take place in order to reap the harvest of recovery. And unfortunately this harvest comes through trials and pain.

Self-pity can come over us quite easily. And we end up finding ourselves in a pit of despair because of our suffering. Blaming God for our despair seems easy. After all...we did our part! We quit using and drinking and so now if we are unhappy it must be that God has abandoned us right? WRONG!!!

Just like the Israelites held captive in Babylon, we too must come to a place of recognition that we have fallen away from God. We must come to a place of admittance that without God we have nothing and we are nothing. We must come to a place where we acknowledge that God must come first in our lives and then...put it into practice and literally put Him first! If we cannot acknowledge our powerlessness without God and if we cannot turn our will and our lives over to Him, then we can be sure that this imprisonment will last for an eternity. But God is a gracious God! And, He has promised that He will restore us on the condition of following Him and His ways wholeheartedly. Jeremiah 29:10-14 says, "You will be in Babylon for 70 years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you WILL find me. I will be found by you,' says the Lord. 'I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land."

In the midst of all the crud that comes with the recovery process we can find hope that our God has not abandoned us and that He truly knows where we find ourselves and what we need to get where we are going. I choose to stand firm on His promise of deliverance and allow NOT the pit of darkness to drive me back into despair. My hope is in the Lord!

Infectious Sin

2010-03-23T14:58:00.004-05:00

"...Is anyone here afraid or worried? If you are, you may go home before you frighten anyone else..."
Deuteronomy 20:8 (NLT)

Fear is contagious! Just being around fearful people can bind one to their same fear. This is one way Satan attacks our faith.

Recently, there was a Swine Flu (H1N1) outbreak. A whole county actually closed the schools to prevent the spread of this flu. When I had first heard of this outbreak God clearly said to me that my immediate family would be untouched by it. God made a specific promise to me. He said to me not to worry about the H1N1 because not one in my household would become sick. So I stood on His promise.

About a week went by and I heard from my sister. She called me concerned about the swine flu. She had sent me an email stating that the president would soon declare state of emergency and that medicine was running out. The email went on to say that we should stay way from enclosed places and to buy the suggested herbal substances to boost our immune system. Instantly I felt a flood of doubt come over me. A surge of fear clouded me and I felt the need to hurry up and get in my car to the local health food store to buy these supplements. I felt anguished and actually called my church to inform them that I would not be volunteering because I didn't want my kids in childcare. I even re-sent the email to everyone I knew!!! It was awful the amount of "caution" I felt. I can laugh about it now and as I write I am chuckling at how dumb I was!

I am not saying that we shouldn't be wise. After all, in First Peter 5:8 it says that God does not call us to be negligent but to be cautious at all times. However, God gave me a specific promise for my household! He specifically gave ME a promise! My sister may not have gotten that promise. Therefore, it may have been well for my sister to seek out these precautionary measures and she, on the other hand, may have felt the need to obey God by GETTING the medicines. But as for me and my household, God promised a passover! And yet I was being swayed and moved by my environment's condition and was no longer standing on the word of God. Satan began using "reasoning" as a diversion to my faith. Before I knew it, I had forgotten His word.

What has God promised YOU? Stand on THAT truth! God's word will confirm what He has said. Reasoning is a tool used by Satan to get us to forget that God is an almighty God, a God of the impossible, a God of miracles! This is a battle, a real spiritual battle! I must resolve to not be moved by the fearful soldiers and press into the Word of God! Hallelujah!

2010-03-06T13:43:00.002-06:00

"Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God."
2 Corinthians 5:20

A few months ago my mother had invited my two oldest children, Joshua (4) and Charli (3), and my niece Katya (3) to spend the night. During that time frame, Charli and I were struggling in our mother-daughter relationship. Their was constant disobedience, a true rebellion on her part. On this particular day, Charli had been in and out of time-out and finally I resorted to taking away the privilege to spend the night at "Guita's" house. It had been the last straw!

It was time to go and we got in the car to head over to my mom's. When we arrived, Katya came running out to show us a tower of Legos she made. She was so excited! The apparent apathy that Charli conveyed about her consequence quickly turned into a puddle of tears. "Mama, I want to stay," she said whimpering. To which I replied, "You cannot stay,Charli." Then, with a deep pitter-patter of her lips as she sucked in her tears, and took a deep breath, she said, "Maaama, but I want to stay." I looked back at her and told her that she could not stay because it was her consequence for the choice she made.

Joshua and Katya quickly ran inside to build more towers and we pulled out of the carport. Charli began sobbing profusely. Shortly there after I started crying myself! I was saddened and deeply burdened to see my little girl's heart being broken. I was truly grieved at the fact that she was not able to partake in something that would have been so much fun for her! I cried out to God and explained to Him, "But Lord, the whole time we were at home I had been almost begging her to shape up. I kept saying, 'Please Charli, I don't want to have to consequence you.' I gave her chance after chance to make the right choice, hoping that I would not have to resort to taking away the special night at Guita's!!! But still she made the wrong choices and I found myself having to discipline her. I had no choice, Lord!"

And I heard the most gentle voice say to me, "Monica, that is how it is with Me. I love you and I want so many good things for you. I am grieved when I see you going through the consequences of your bad choices. I beg eagerly for you to be right with Me."

There was an out pour of tears at that moment. I could not help but to ask for forgiveness for every time I had made the Lord, my daddy, grieve because of my decisions. I began to imagine His great suffering every time He saw me in jail, or every time I picked up that bag of cocaine. Because of my despair at my daughter's loss of privileges, I understood how terrible God must have felt to see me give myself to the things of this world. And knowing that, even then, He still beseeches me to be reconciled to Him, is nothing short of glory! He wants good things for me. He has His hand extended, ready to hand them over. All He asks is that I follow Him and do what He says.

Right then and there I began to exalt Him for His goodness to me. The whole ride home I praised Him. The most wonderful thing is that, the same goodness He bestows upon me, He eagerly begs to bestow upon you, if you let Him by means of obedience. God is soooo good!

Gold Plated

2009-11-01T14:55:00.002-06:00

"But a beautiful cedar palace does not make a great king!"
Jeremiah 22:15 (NLT)

The more I think about it, the more I realize the massive amount of dirtiness I desired to hide by drinking and using. I remember doing lines of cocaine and instantly feeling beautiful and powerful. If I had a drink in my hand I felt sophisticated and in control. Somehow, I believed looking as such on the outside, would compensate for the emptiness I felt on the inside. Using drugs and alcohol somehow "gold-plated" me and when the buzz was over the plate was gone and I would have to "re-dip" myself, if you will, by doing some more, hence entering into the vicious cycle of addiction.
The Word of God says that we are kings, royalty, co-heirs with Christ! But never will the authority of this position be blessed unless I walk in righteousness. I could continue doing the things that "gold-plate" me, including resentments and various levels of pride, and in turn feel presentable externally. But the scripture clearly states that doing so does not make a great king. A great king doesn't hide from battles, but runs right into them ready to fight by doing the next right thing regardless of the circumstance.
It takes a lot of effort and most times, pain, to rid ourselves of the muck and miry clay into which we get. But I am promised, through the word, a new life through Christ Jesus. As the layers of mud begin to dry and break off and I allow myself to feel the pain in the process, I deny myself the dipping in gold and instead CHOOSE to dip myself in the Blood of the Lamb. Hallelujah to the Lamb of God!

Jealousy the Snake!

2009-10-14T11:12:00.002-05:00

"And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:19 (AMP)

It is very easy to look on the outside of somebody's life and begin to desire what they have. And, as if that was not enough, obsessing over the supposed lack in your own life always seems to follow. I say, "supposed," because, Phillipians 4:19 testifies that the Lord provides ALL my needs, there IS NO LACK.

Jealousy is from Satan! James 3:16 says, "for wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices." This is the door Satan uses to try to plunge me into a pit. And if I am not careful, this very sin alone causes me to fall into a downward spiral of many other transgressions. This is a threat to my sobriety, my sanity, and my peace!!

When I give myself into jealousy and envy, I jeopardize the very gift the Lord Himself has given to me...my peace, my sobriety! Notice that I said, "when I GIVE myself" and not, "when Satan causes me to be jealous." Through the power of the blood, I have authority over Satan. I just need to call it what it is and bring it to the light! And I gotta tell ya, to admit that I am jealous is one of the hardest things ever. I hate having to admit I am jealous!!!! It stinks! But the Word of God promises that if I bring it to the light, the darkness loses its power! (John 1:5 AMP).

As stinky as it is, I come before the Lord and tell Him HONESTLY what I feel jealous about. Whether it be that someone has a nicer house than I do or some other person's kids have nicer clothes than my kids, whatever it is, I say it even though I can't stand hearing it come out of my mouth! I tell God that I recognize this to be a demonic spirit and I pray that He remove it from me. I ask that He forgives me and helps me to be able to rejoice in their fortune. He is so faithful that he not only forgives me and removes this spirit of jealousy from me but He restores me to such a degree that I no longer see ANY LACK in my life at all!!! I am content with what the Lord has given me. This is solely a work of God! Praise be to the Lamb of God!!!

"TIMES" -Tenth Ave. North

2009-10-12T12:32:00.002-05:00

I tried posting this as my FB status but it was too long! Today I feel a little blue...and I don't have much of my own to write, however...this song has ministered to me so far this whole day. Where ever you find yourself today, I pray this ministers to you too!

(LORD)…”I hear you say "my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. The times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend. Well my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. These times you're healingand when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace. The times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal. In times of confusion and chaos and pain,I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame. I’m there through your heartache, I’m there in the storm. My love, I will keep you by my power alone. I don’t care where you've fallen, where you have been. I'll never forsake you my love never ends, it never ends!”~ Tenth Ave North

Stealing Blessings

2009-09-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

Has God ever asked you to pick up a piece of trash? No, really, like has He ever asked you to pick up a piece of trash, literally, on the ground, remains of something? He does it to me all the time! It’s actually quite annoying. It’s annoying because sometimes I think it’s gross. Other times I feel like I just don’t have the time to do it. He’ll even ask me to do other little things. Like one time at Wal-mart God told me to get all the carts and put them in the cart return thingy. I looked around my proximity and there were like 5 or 6 carts. Instantly I said, “no way God. I don’t have the time for that. It’s simply not in my schedule.” So I left, and forgot about it.
Today as I was ironing I was listening to my fabulous iphone’s shuffling of songs, and a small phrase in Casting Crowns’ song “Glory” spoke loudly to me. It said, “I’ll do anything you ask me to.” And I believed it! I sang it with conviction. When the vocalist said that part of the verse the second time around I said out loud, “Yes, I will Lord!” And then He said back to me, “but, will you really?” He quickly reminded me of the time I didn’t put back all the carts. He reminded me of the time I delayed in picking up the smashed plastic bottle in the parking lot of my church. This saddened me. And I began to question whether or not I was truly willing to be an empty vessel for Him. Am I, Monica, truly willing to put aside my agenda for the purposes of God? And see God, He is sooo good, that He even went as far as to explain to me why these menial things are so important to Him. He did it by reminded me of something my sister said the day before yesterday. She said, “It makes me wonder how many people miss their blessing because of other people’s unwillingness to just do what God asks of them.” She said this referring to something I did this weekend out of obedience to my conscience and ultimately the Lord (Romans 2:15). You see, listening to God this weekend turned out to be a huge blessing for someone else. It wasn’t evident that in making that decision such a blessing would come out of my obedience, but it did. As a matter of fact, I was just as hesitant, if not more, to follow God’s lead as I was the day of the shopping carts. But this time I did it. And I actually got to hear of the blessing it produced!
The truth is I don’t think God is all that concerned with shopping carts or trash. I mean, I know he cares, because it’s all His anyway. However, I do not believe that He is asking in a legalistic way. Therefore, I am not saying that from now on, you should all be concerned with picking up every piece of trash you see. And maybe He DOES want that! I don’t know. All I am saying is that for me, in my walk, it is extremely important to obey even what seems to be ridiculous or unworthy of attention. How do I know that putting up those shopping carts would not have put me in the perfect position to minister to someone very much in need? Or what if I never knew what kind of blessing that action would put into motion, but there was a blessing coming out of it none the less? And so I asked myself, “Whose blessing did I steal that day?”

Rebuke that thought!

2009-09-22T13:49:00.002-05:00

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)

Going through recovery, of any kind, is not an easy task. Add to it, Satan's desire to put anything and everything in your way to deter you, and you got yourself a calamity! To this day, Satan continues to murmur into my ear his cunning lies of victory over the cross. When I was first getting sober, I would hear Satan say, "You can't handle this. You NEED alcohol and drugs to live! You will not be able to handle your circumstances without them." But that was just a lie!!! Casting Crowns' song, "Voice of Truth," gives a clear description of the spiritual warfare that I was going through: "...the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me, reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed. The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again..., you'll never win! BUT the Voice of Truth tells me a different story."

Satan is a conquered foe my friend! Sentence has already been passed on him (Matthew 25:41). The true battle is in our minds! Since this is so, all we must do now is remind him that he has been defeated. We take those thoughts, or shall I say, lies from Satan, captive by speaking out loud against them, as Jesus did in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11), rebuking them in Jesus' name. And then, we replace that evil thought by the truth, which is the Word of God. This too, Jesus did in the wilderness when He began to say back to Satan what the scriptures said. In the end we witness that, "the devil left Him; and angels came and began to minister to Him (vs.11)."

We have the victory through the precious blood of Jesus. We just have to TAKE authority over the lie/thought. For this, my friend, we have to stay, actively, in the Word of God. You can't remind Satan of truth if you don't learn it through reading His mighty living word (Hebrews 4:12)! Praise the Lord!!!

Get to the Inside

2009-09-06T10:51:00.002-05:00

“…First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.”
Matthew 23:26 (NIV)

I have a history of chronic relapse. The first time I tried to quit drinking and using was when I was 18. And since that point, I must have tried to quit 12 to 15 times. And every time I tried to quit, I instantly would become obsessed with losing weight and eating healthy. One of those times my sponsor had suggested that I put my exterior on hold for the purposes of attacking full-force the disease that was killing me most, alcohol and drug addiction. What she said that day still resounds when I notice I am paying more attention to exterior matters than my spiritual welfare. She said that when I take care of my recovery (reading the word of God, taking my inventory and making amends) that everything else would fall into place. Essentially what she was saying was to take care of washing the inside of my cup. For me, my cup is my spirit and my soul (mind, will and emotions).
A few years ago, I set out to order all my pictures chronologically so that I could arrange them in albums by year. As I was going down memory lane I came across a picture of myself at my niece’s birthday party. I remembered that day as it was yesterday! I remembered that I had originally put on a long sleeve, fitted, pistachio-green shirt. I felt so fat in it!! So I changed. Then I changed again, until I came across the shirt in the picture. It was a sleeveless and very loose tank top. The funny thing is that, as I was sitting there looking at the picture, I found myself longing to weigh what I weighed back then. I remember saying to God, “Lord, what I would give to be at that weight now.” And yet, back then, that weight had not been good enough. What’s more…I actually weigh much more now than I did at my niece’s birthday party yet, I feel much thinner than ever! I truly had an epiphany that day! I realized that the way I see myself on the outside is directly related to my spiritual condition.
I notice that when I am actively in the Word, my exterior aligns itself with the truth of the word of God. I am a three part being; spirit, soul and then body. When my spirit and my soul are aligned with the Word of God, my body follows accordingly. My spirit and my soul tell my body how to react. The coolest thing of all this is that physical aesthetics isn’t the only thing that is affected. I also mean my attitude and my behavior, what I say and what I project. And since God is love (1 John 4:16 NIV), and I am recreated in His image, then that means that the more I am in the Word, the more I outwardly express patience, kindness, goodwill, selflessness, forgiveness, trust, hope and perseverance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV) to others as well as myself!!! I praise God for always completing the good work in me!

Strength Perfected

2009-08-24T21:59:00.002-05:00

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness..."
2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)

This past Sunday had to have been one of the most oppressive days I have had in a long while! You would probably laugh if I told you the details because truly, these things that got to me, are silly, especially in light of my past struggles. But I have to tell ya...I truly felt Satan's foot on my neck!

I finally make it to service, after a hectic and trying morning, and sat down and attempted to attain some sort of peace. As I sat there, I looked all around and began to think of how puny I was feeling. I felt so frail and empty. I felt vulnerable and extremely weak. Hagar's word's came to my mouth and I whispered, "God, you see me!" And it was as if those few words opened up the gates of heaven with revelation because thoughts kept flooding my mind of how all-knowing and all-powerful God truly is. How He doesn't skip a beat and never sleeps. How HE is soo on top of things, yes, even of the things going on in MY life! I instantly felt a greater respect, adoration and reverence for the Lord. I admired Him more and loved Him more and I could feel how even my trust in Him grew from just those few moments in thought. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. And these were not tears of sadness but tears of awareness. Awareness of His presence and His power and His great and glorious Love! And I thanked Him for my weakness. I thanked Him for my weakness that day because it was through that weakness that I was able to grasp the caliber of His strength! And right then and there He said to me, "for my strength is made perfect in weakness Monica." And like a ton of bricks it hit me! This scripture isn't saying that God's strength was not perfect until I had some sort of weakness. And then as a result of my weakness His strength was made perfect. God IS PERFECT, so His strength has been perfect all along. But not in my mind. In my mind doubt still lingered at times and preoccupation with my troubles would hang around me because of my level of trust in God and His love. And what this magnificent scripture is saying is that His strength is magnified in my spirit and mind due to this weakness! The reality of His great power is solidified by my thorn in the flesh! Glory to Him who is LOVE!
M

Criticism Falls where Criticism is Given

2009-08-23T19:01:00.002-05:00

Criticism Falls Where Criticism is Given

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

Where does that dread of being criticized even come from? Why every time I invite people over to my house for dinner or something similar to that do I get knotted up inside as though my intestines were tangled up with my heart and lungs and I can hardly breathe? Why does, all of the sudden, every single imperfection of myself or my house become magnified even at the thought of having guests?
I went to a birthday party this weekend. As I pulled up I instantly sized up the house. I made a self note how, from the outside, it was not much bigger than mine. I rang the doorbell and walked in looking all around pinpointing the things I would do differently. I did take the time to compliment on the awesome dining room table. And immediately afterward I made another self note of how cluttered it was in the kitchen. As time went on and I had more time to inspect, I realized that much like my house, this house was covered in dust! The picture frames I picked up, in order to get a better glance, were layered in dust and there was memorabilia of 30 years plus everywhere. Instead of feeling some sort of camaraderie in that we both struggled to have things organized and cleaned because of our busy schedules, I became critical and judgmental.
Conviction fell over me like a blanket and as I sat at that beautiful dining room table I begged God to tell me why on earth I was behaving that way. Why was I being so evil when I too struggled with keeping my place clean? I asked for God to forgive me and vowed to be mindful of my thoughts. Almost instantly Rhonda begins to say to me, “I get so anxious in gatherings like this.” I, of course, asked “why?” She proceeded to tell me how she was embarrassed of her home. How small it was compared to her sister-in-law’s and how her sister-in-law had enough money to have “nice things” and a big enough house in which to put them. She continued by saying her house was full of dust and it was cluttered but that those were all things she had either bought or been given throughout her life. And as she continued to speak I heard her voice transforming into mine, saying the same things to someone who had recently been over to my house! I felt like lying my head down and crying right then and there. How could I have possibly judged her? All I was doing was judging and condemning myself!
Matthew 7:1-2 says it so plainly, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” God brought this verse to my mind. I learned that day that the dread of being criticized is born within me. I learned that because I judged and criticized others upon entering their homes, I expected people to do the same to me. What freedom I have when I give grace! When grace I give, grace I get! I purpose now to refrain from this cycle of judge and be judged. When a critical thought enters my mind, I renounce it. I praise God for loving me so much that he was faithful to show me the plank in my eye so that I may free my sisters from my criticism of the speck in theirs.

The Heart Speaks

2009-08-22T15:54:00.002-05:00

"...For whatever is in your heart determines what you say." Matthew 12:34 (NLT)

Proverbs 18:21 says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. We can speak blessings or curses. And through them, we will either produce life or death.

My life in recovery is exactly that...LIFE! I can hardly say that I was LIVING before recovery. I mean, yes my heart was beating and I was moving around doing things, however, my spirit and soul were dead. I can go back to memories of bad-mouthing myself. Speaking about how ugly I was, how worthless I was, how unworthy I was, how fat I was, how stupid was...you catch my drift? I didn't know it then, but now I realize that I was in a perpetual state of speaking death over myself. This only caused a cycle to start. The more trash I said about myself, the more trash I had become in my mind, and therefore, the more drugs and alcohol I needed to have to feel better about myself. Once the effect of those drugs and alcohol wore off, I'd be hitting myself over the head with the guilt and shame hammer, speaking more death over myself, which would make me want to drink and use again in order to feel better! I was trapped!!!

Matthew 12:34 spoke volumes to me. If it is a condition of the heart, then in order to change the things I speak, something needs to change in my heart! But how?

Proverbs 2:1-10 says that when we discover what it truly means to fear the Lord, wisdom will enter our hearts! As a pastor once so clearly put it, the word FEAR here is speaking of a reverence for the Lord that produces obedience. And what these verses are saying is that, if I obey my Lord, seeking with all my heart to do what is right in His sight and I search for wisdom as for hidden treasure by reading his Word, then wisdom will enter my heart, changing its condition to a higher level and therefore changing my death words into words of life!

I am not superhuman, therefore, it is true that every once in a while, Satan or my own flesh tries to get me to believe a lie. However, when that happens, I purpose to stop that thought in its path and replace it with the words God uses to describe who I am in Him.

He is so faithful!

Be Still

2009-08-20T11:53:00.002-05:00

"Be Still and Know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

There have been many times in my life where I have been oppressed. I can't even count them on my two hands, or feet for that matter! Not only have I fought the battle against alcohol and drug addiction, which was definitely oppressive, but I have been oppressed even in what would seem like a simple matter.

My daughter, Charli, was born when Joshua was only 19 months old. To me, that is still considered babyhood. And although it is very possible to effectively have children with this difference in age, I was overwhelmed when it all came to pass! Not only were they close in age and my hormones were out of whack, but Charli turned out to have reflux, very bad reflux! She spent the first fifteen minutes after a feeding, which was every two hours mind you, projectile vomiting all over herself, my furniture and me!!! Not to mention that I am a professional perfectionist and this was something I could not handle!!! That, in and of itself, was ego crushing. I felt depressed, discouraged, weak, irritable, frustrated, worthless, messy, you name it!! Man I was spent!

As if that wasn't enough, during this time I struggled to keep myself in tune to God's word. I lacked the energy and desire to spend my regular devotion time with God. This in turn produced feelings of guilt and massive inadequacy! How was it that I, of all people, could not get a hold of this??? (can you sense the pride?)

So...what did I do? I went straight to work is what I did! In an attempt to being healed of my state of mind, I would walk up and down the hall way taking every ungodly thought captive, speaking scripture over myself like mad woman! I started taking communion every morning to remind Satan of what Christ did for me on the cross and how Jesus has delivered me from ALL the curses of the law! I prayed in the spirit, I applied the blood to myself and my circumstances over and over again and my gosh, was I running myself ragged! It didn't make sense! I was doing GOOD things. I was speaking the word, which is active and operative. Why did I feel worse?

I was watching TBN one day and a pastor was talking about Psalm 46:10. He translated the Hebrew word for "be still." He said it meant, "cease striving, stop fighting, show yourself some slack." WOW! The Holy Spirit met me right then and there and spoke to me. You see, all those things I did in my distress are not bad things. As a matter of fact, I believe that in times of trouble we do double! But God revealed to me that my heart was in the wrong place. I had become very proud and arrogant and that perfectionist in me decided that she was going to save herself from all these things instead of relying on God's grace and power! I was living in the law. It wasn't until I admitted to God how weak I was and told Him that He was just going to have to carry me through this one because I had nothing left to give, that the peace that surpasses understanding took over and I was finally at rest.

Praise God for His faithfulness and for loving me so much that he was willing to pull me aside and show me that it isn't about what I do, but about what He does in me!