I have to admit that writing this blog today feels intimidating. Some of it is due to the fact that I chose not to post anything the last two Fridays during Spring Break vacation. It is hard to get back on the wagon, and quite frankly my initial feeling about it was not to write at all. "What's another week? No one will know any different." But here I am because I made a commitment to myself and THAT is important. One of the first things I learned early on in recovery was that in order to build my self-esteem I have to do "esteemable" acts. Honoring my word, yes even to myself, builds my self-esteem. Failing to do what I said I would do could drive me back into my addiction in no time. Why? Because the alcohol and the drugs are what I used in the past to cover up the yucky feeling I would get day in and day out from simply having lived the previous day in the chaos of bad choices. And it became a cycle. Drink/drug, be stupid, drink and drug to feel better about being stupid! Now its been since January of 2009 that I haven't put a drug in my body with the purpose of altering the way I was feeling about myself. Have I dishonored my word since? Yes I have...I am far from perfect. Thankfully I have been in recovery long enough to have built a new set of coping mechanisms to turn to in the event that I fail to honor my word, or any falling short of God's glory for that matter. The most important of them is to confess my sin and to repent and ask Jesus to forgive me and help me to do better. Next to that there is a full repertoire of things for me to turn to before even thinking of "healing" myself with drugs or alcohol. Thank God!
The other reason writing this post is a little intimidating is because, once again, I plan on being honest about how my soul thinks and processes things. Being authentic is always scary to me. As you can see I am still working on being free from seeking the approval of people. Therefore I WILL post on my originally intended topic, but not today! I feel compelled to continue on my rabbit trail. Because sitting here and writing about the importance to honor my word and do "esteemable" acts in order to feel better about myself, reminds me of something Paul said to Timothy. 1 Timothy 1:18-19 states, "...here are my instructions to you...may they help you fight well in the Lord's battles. Cling to your faith in Christ, and KEEP YOUR CONSCIENCE CLEAR. For SOME people HAVE deliberately VIOLATED their CONSCIENCES, and AS A RESULT THEIR FAITH HAS BEEN SHIPWRECKED."
So, I suppose that for this post I just want to encourage you. Maybe you find yourself driven back, time and again, to that sin which so easily entangles you. For you it might not be drugs or alcohol. For you it might be lying, cheating, promiscuity, over/under eating, spending, gambling, anger, controlling people, places or things etc...there are so many others! Whatever it is that you turn to when the pressure is on, pause and think on it. Ask yourself what you are trying to cover up. For me, the first thing I would feel is inadequacy. And in order to stop feeling inadequate I would get high. For you, eating a dozen donuts might solve the issue (I did this too : | ). Regardless of the coping mechanism of your choice, ask yourself why? Ask the Lord to bring to the light what it is you are trying to hide. He is faithful to show you any area that is not in the light. Once He shows you, purpose to make that your commitment to Him and to yourself. For everyone it is different. Something as simple as yelling at your kids out of frustration might drive you to over-spend in order to help you feel up to par. It honestly doesn't have to be this huge dramatic thing that drives you to feeling inadequate and as a result "shipwrecks your faith." Whatever it is, bring it before sweet Jesus. He is so gentle and kind and is not in any way condemning towards you. He is faithful to cleanse you of ALL unrighteousness!
Maybe you don't know Him yet, and you find yourself skeptical but curious. May I encourage you to simply inquire of Him? Say to Him, "hey Jesus, I desperately want to know if You are real and You really are who Monica says you are." I promise you, wholeheartedly promise you, with unshakable certainty, that He will show himself to you because He wants nothing more than to be your friend and to show you His loving kindness! IT really is better than life!!!
Praise be to Him who brings us from darkness into His marvelous light!!!
With LOVE!
M
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