Strength Perfected

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness..."
2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)


This past Sunday had to have been one of the most oppressive days I have had in a long while! You would probably laugh if I told you the details because truly, these things that got to me, are silly, especially in light of my past struggles. But I have to tell ya...I truly felt Satan's foot on my neck!

I finally make it to service, after a hectic and trying morning, and sat down and attempted to attain some sort of peace. As I sat there, I looked all around and began to think of how puny I was feeling. I felt so frail and empty. I felt vulnerable and extremely weak. Hagar's word's came to my mouth and I whispered, "God, you see me!" And it was as if those few words opened up the gates of heaven with revelation because thoughts kept flooding my mind of how all-knowing and all-powerful God truly is. How He doesn't skip a beat and never sleeps. How HE is soo on top of things, yes, even of the things going on in MY life! I instantly felt a greater respect, adoration and reverence for the Lord. I admired Him more and loved Him more and I could feel how even my trust in Him grew from just those few moments in thought. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. And these were not tears of sadness but tears of awareness. Awareness of His presence and His power and His great and glorious Love! And I thanked Him for my weakness. I thanked Him for my weakness that day because it was through that weakness that I was able to grasp the caliber of His strength! And right then and there He said to me, "for my strength is made perfect in weakness Monica." And like a ton of bricks it hit me! This scripture isn't saying that God's strength was not perfect until I had some sort of weakness. And then as a result of my weakness His strength was made perfect. God IS PERFECT, so His strength has been perfect all along. But not in my mind. In my mind doubt still lingered at times and preoccupation with my troubles would hang around me because of my level of trust in God and His love. And what this magnificent scripture is saying is that His strength is magnified in my spirit and mind due to this weakness! The reality of His great power is solidified by my thorn in the flesh! Glory to Him who is LOVE!
M

Criticism Falls where Criticism is Given

Criticism Falls Where Criticism is Given

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

Where does that dread of being criticized even come from? Why every time I invite people over to my house for dinner or something similar to that do I get knotted up inside as though my intestines were tangled up with my heart and lungs and I can hardly breathe? Why does, all of the sudden, every single imperfection of myself or my house become magnified even at the thought of having guests?
I went to a birthday party this weekend. As I pulled up I instantly sized up the house. I made a self note how, from the outside, it was not much bigger than mine. I rang the doorbell and walked in looking all around pinpointing the things I would do differently. I did take the time to compliment on the awesome dining room table. And immediately afterward I made another self note of how cluttered it was in the kitchen. As time went on and I had more time to inspect, I realized that much like my house, this house was covered in dust! The picture frames I picked up, in order to get a better glance, were layered in dust and there was memorabilia of 30 years plus everywhere. Instead of feeling some sort of camaraderie in that we both struggled to have things organized and cleaned because of our busy schedules, I became critical and judgmental.
Conviction fell over me like a blanket and as I sat at that beautiful dining room table I begged God to tell me why on earth I was behaving that way. Why was I being so evil when I too struggled with keeping my place clean? I asked for God to forgive me and vowed to be mindful of my thoughts. Almost instantly Rhonda begins to say to me, “I get so anxious in gatherings like this.” I, of course, asked “why?” She proceeded to tell me how she was embarrassed of her home. How small it was compared to her sister-in-law’s and how her sister-in-law had enough money to have “nice things” and a big enough house in which to put them. She continued by saying her house was full of dust and it was cluttered but that those were all things she had either bought or been given throughout her life. And as she continued to speak I heard her voice transforming into mine, saying the same things to someone who had recently been over to my house! I felt like lying my head down and crying right then and there. How could I have possibly judged her? All I was doing was judging and condemning myself!
Matthew 7:1-2 says it so plainly, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” God brought this verse to my mind. I learned that day that the dread of being criticized is born within me. I learned that because I judged and criticized others upon entering their homes, I expected people to do the same to me. What freedom I have when I give grace! When grace I give, grace I get! I purpose now to refrain from this cycle of judge and be judged. When a critical thought enters my mind, I renounce it. I praise God for loving me so much that he was faithful to show me the plank in my eye so that I may free my sisters from my criticism of the speck in theirs.

The Heart Speaks

"...For whatever is in your heart determines what you say." Matthew 12:34 (NLT)

Proverbs 18:21 says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. We can speak blessings or curses. And through them, we will either produce life or death.

My life in recovery is exactly that...LIFE! I can hardly say that I was LIVING before recovery. I mean, yes my heart was beating and I was moving around doing things, however, my spirit and soul were dead. I can go back to memories of bad-mouthing myself. Speaking about how ugly I was, how worthless I was, how unworthy I was, how fat I was, how stupid was...you catch my drift? I didn't know it then, but now I realize that I was in a perpetual state of speaking death over myself. This only caused a cycle to start. The more trash I said about myself, the more trash I had become in my mind, and therefore, the more drugs and alcohol I needed to have to feel better about myself. Once the effect of those drugs and alcohol wore off, I'd be hitting myself over the head with the guilt and shame hammer, speaking more death over myself, which would make me want to drink and use again in order to feel better! I was trapped!!!

Matthew 12:34 spoke volumes to me. If it is a condition of the heart, then in order to change the things I speak, something needs to change in my heart! But how?

Proverbs 2:1-10 says that when we discover what it truly means to fear the Lord, wisdom will enter our hearts! As a pastor once so clearly put it, the word FEAR here is speaking of a reverence for the Lord that produces obedience. And what these verses are saying is that, if I obey my Lord, seeking with all my heart to do what is right in His sight and I search for wisdom as for hidden treasure by reading his Word, then wisdom will enter my heart, changing its condition to a higher level and therefore changing my death words into words of life!

I am not superhuman, therefore, it is true that every once in a while, Satan or my own flesh tries to get me to believe a lie. However, when that happens, I purpose to stop that thought in its path and replace it with the words God uses to describe who I am in Him.

He is so faithful!

Be Still

"Be Still and Know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

There have been many times in my life where I have been oppressed. I can't even count them on my two hands, or feet for that matter! Not only have I fought the battle against alcohol and drug addiction, which was definitely oppressive, but I have been oppressed even in what would seem like a simple matter.

My daughter, Charli, was born when Joshua was only 19 months old. To me, that is still considered babyhood. And although it is very possible to effectively have children with this difference in age, I was overwhelmed when it all came to pass! Not only were they close in age and my hormones were out of whack, but Charli turned out to have reflux, very bad reflux! She spent the first fifteen minutes after a feeding, which was every two hours mind you, projectile vomiting all over herself, my furniture and me!!! Not to mention that I am a professional perfectionist and this was something I could not handle!!! That, in and of itself, was ego crushing. I felt depressed, discouraged, weak, irritable, frustrated, worthless, messy, you name it!! Man I was spent!

As if that wasn't enough, during this time I struggled to keep myself in tune to God's word. I lacked the energy and desire to spend my regular devotion time with God. This in turn produced feelings of guilt and massive inadequacy! How was it that I, of all people, could not get a hold of this??? (can you sense the pride?)

So...what did I do? I went straight to work is what I did! In an attempt to being healed of my state of mind, I would walk up and down the hall way taking every ungodly thought captive, speaking scripture over myself like mad woman! I started taking communion every morning to remind Satan of what Christ did for me on the cross and how Jesus has delivered me from ALL the curses of the law! I prayed in the spirit, I applied the blood to myself and my circumstances over and over again and my gosh, was I running myself ragged! It didn't make sense! I was doing GOOD things. I was speaking the word, which is active and operative. Why did I feel worse?

I was watching TBN one day and a pastor was talking about Psalm 46:10. He translated the Hebrew word for "be still." He said it meant, "cease striving, stop fighting, show yourself some slack." WOW! The Holy Spirit met me right then and there and spoke to me. You see, all those things I did in my distress are not bad things. As a matter of fact, I believe that in times of trouble we do double! But God revealed to me that my heart was in the wrong place. I had become very proud and arrogant and that perfectionist in me decided that she was going to save herself from all these things instead of relying on God's grace and power! I was living in the law. It wasn't until I admitted to God how weak I was and told Him that He was just going to have to carry me through this one because I had nothing left to give, that the peace that surpasses understanding took over and I was finally at rest.

Praise God for His faithfulness and for loving me so much that he was willing to pull me aside and show me that it isn't about what I do, but about what He does in me!