"But a beautiful cedar palace does not make a great king!"
Jeremiah 22:15 (NLT)
The more I think about it, the more I realize the massive amount of dirtiness I desired to hide by drinking and using. I remember doing lines of cocaine and instantly feeling beautiful and powerful. If I had a drink in my hand I felt sophisticated and in control. Somehow, I believed looking as such on the outside, would compensate for the emptiness I felt on the inside. Using drugs and alcohol somehow "gold-plated" me and when the buzz was over the plate was gone and I would have to "re-dip" myself, if you will, by doing some more, hence entering into the vicious cycle of addiction.
The Word of God says that we are kings, royalty, co-heirs with Christ! But never will the authority of this position be blessed unless I walk in righteousness. I could continue doing the things that "gold-plate" me, including resentments and various levels of pride, and in turn feel presentable externally. But the scripture clearly states that doing so does not make a great king. A great king doesn't hide from battles, but runs right into them ready to fight by doing the next right thing regardless of the circumstance.
It takes a lot of effort and most times, pain, to rid ourselves of the muck and miry clay into which we get. But I am promised, through the word, a new life through Christ Jesus. As the layers of mud begin to dry and break off and I allow myself to feel the pain in the process, I deny myself the dipping in gold and instead CHOOSE to dip myself in the Blood of the Lamb. Hallelujah to the Lamb of God!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Jealousy the Snake!
"And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:19 (AMP)
It is very easy to look on the outside of somebody's life and begin to desire what they have. And, as if that was not enough, obsessing over the supposed lack in your own life always seems to follow. I say, "supposed," because, Phillipians 4:19 testifies that the Lord provides ALL my needs, there IS NO LACK.
Jealousy is from Satan! James 3:16 says, "for wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices." This is the door Satan uses to try to plunge me into a pit. And if I am not careful, this very sin alone causes me to fall into a downward spiral of many other transgressions. This is a threat to my sobriety, my sanity, and my peace!!
When I give myself into jealousy and envy, I jeopardize the very gift the Lord Himself has given to me...my peace, my sobriety! Notice that I said, "when I GIVE myself" and not, "when Satan causes me to be jealous." Through the power of the blood, I have authority over Satan. I just need to call it what it is and bring it to the light! And I gotta tell ya, to admit that I am jealous is one of the hardest things ever. I hate having to admit I am jealous!!!! It stinks! But the Word of God promises that if I bring it to the light, the darkness loses its power! (John 1:5 AMP).
As stinky as it is, I come before the Lord and tell Him HONESTLY what I feel jealous about. Whether it be that someone has a nicer house than I do or some other person's kids have nicer clothes than my kids, whatever it is, I say it even though I can't stand hearing it come out of my mouth! I tell God that I recognize this to be a demonic spirit and I pray that He remove it from me. I ask that He forgives me and helps me to be able to rejoice in their fortune. He is so faithful that he not only forgives me and removes this spirit of jealousy from me but He restores me to such a degree that I no longer see ANY LACK in my life at all!!! I am content with what the Lord has given me. This is solely a work of God! Praise be to the Lamb of God!!!
Phillipians 4:19 (AMP)
It is very easy to look on the outside of somebody's life and begin to desire what they have. And, as if that was not enough, obsessing over the supposed lack in your own life always seems to follow. I say, "supposed," because, Phillipians 4:19 testifies that the Lord provides ALL my needs, there IS NO LACK.
Jealousy is from Satan! James 3:16 says, "for wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices." This is the door Satan uses to try to plunge me into a pit. And if I am not careful, this very sin alone causes me to fall into a downward spiral of many other transgressions. This is a threat to my sobriety, my sanity, and my peace!!
When I give myself into jealousy and envy, I jeopardize the very gift the Lord Himself has given to me...my peace, my sobriety! Notice that I said, "when I GIVE myself" and not, "when Satan causes me to be jealous." Through the power of the blood, I have authority over Satan. I just need to call it what it is and bring it to the light! And I gotta tell ya, to admit that I am jealous is one of the hardest things ever. I hate having to admit I am jealous!!!! It stinks! But the Word of God promises that if I bring it to the light, the darkness loses its power! (John 1:5 AMP).
As stinky as it is, I come before the Lord and tell Him HONESTLY what I feel jealous about. Whether it be that someone has a nicer house than I do or some other person's kids have nicer clothes than my kids, whatever it is, I say it even though I can't stand hearing it come out of my mouth! I tell God that I recognize this to be a demonic spirit and I pray that He remove it from me. I ask that He forgives me and helps me to be able to rejoice in their fortune. He is so faithful that he not only forgives me and removes this spirit of jealousy from me but He restores me to such a degree that I no longer see ANY LACK in my life at all!!! I am content with what the Lord has given me. This is solely a work of God! Praise be to the Lamb of God!!!
Monday, October 12, 2009
"TIMES" -Tenth Ave. North
I tried posting this as my FB status but it was too long! Today I feel a little blue...and I don't have much of my own to write, however...this song has ministered to me so far this whole day. Where ever you find yourself today, I pray this ministers to you too!
(LORD)…”I hear you say "my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. The times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend. Well my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. These times you're healingand when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace. The times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal. In times of confusion and chaos and pain,I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame. I’m there through your heartache, I’m there in the storm. My love, I will keep you by my power alone. I don’t care where you've fallen, where you have been. I'll never forsake you my love never ends, it never ends!”~ Tenth Ave North
(LORD)…”I hear you say "my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. The times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend. Well my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. These times you're healingand when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace. The times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal. In times of confusion and chaos and pain,I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame. I’m there through your heartache, I’m there in the storm. My love, I will keep you by my power alone. I don’t care where you've fallen, where you have been. I'll never forsake you my love never ends, it never ends!”~ Tenth Ave North
Monday, September 28, 2009
Stealing Blessings
Has God ever asked you to pick up a piece of trash? No, really, like has He ever asked you to pick up a piece of trash, literally, on the ground, remains of something? He does it to me all the time! It’s actually quite annoying. It’s annoying because sometimes I think it’s gross. Other times I feel like I just don’t have the time to do it. He’ll even ask me to do other little things. Like one time at Wal-mart God told me to get all the carts and put them in the cart return thingy. I looked around my proximity and there were like 5 or 6 carts. Instantly I said, “no way God. I don’t have the time for that. It’s simply not in my schedule.” So I left, and forgot about it.
Today as I was ironing I was listening to my fabulous iphone’s shuffling of songs, and a small phrase in Casting Crowns’ song “Glory” spoke loudly to me. It said, “I’ll do anything you ask me to.” And I believed it! I sang it with conviction. When the vocalist said that part of the verse the second time around I said out loud, “Yes, I will Lord!” And then He said back to me, “but, will you really?” He quickly reminded me of the time I didn’t put back all the carts. He reminded me of the time I delayed in picking up the smashed plastic bottle in the parking lot of my church. This saddened me. And I began to question whether or not I was truly willing to be an empty vessel for Him. Am I, Monica, truly willing to put aside my agenda for the purposes of God? And see God, He is sooo good, that He even went as far as to explain to me why these menial things are so important to Him. He did it by reminded me of something my sister said the day before yesterday. She said, “It makes me wonder how many people miss their blessing because of other people’s unwillingness to just do what God asks of them.” She said this referring to something I did this weekend out of obedience to my conscience and ultimately the Lord (Romans 2:15). You see, listening to God this weekend turned out to be a huge blessing for someone else. It wasn’t evident that in making that decision such a blessing would come out of my obedience, but it did. As a matter of fact, I was just as hesitant, if not more, to follow God’s lead as I was the day of the shopping carts. But this time I did it. And I actually got to hear of the blessing it produced!
The truth is I don’t think God is all that concerned with shopping carts or trash. I mean, I know he cares, because it’s all His anyway. However, I do not believe that He is asking in a legalistic way. Therefore, I am not saying that from now on, you should all be concerned with picking up every piece of trash you see. And maybe He DOES want that! I don’t know. All I am saying is that for me, in my walk, it is extremely important to obey even what seems to be ridiculous or unworthy of attention. How do I know that putting up those shopping carts would not have put me in the perfect position to minister to someone very much in need? Or what if I never knew what kind of blessing that action would put into motion, but there was a blessing coming out of it none the less? And so I asked myself, “Whose blessing did I steal that day?”
Today as I was ironing I was listening to my fabulous iphone’s shuffling of songs, and a small phrase in Casting Crowns’ song “Glory” spoke loudly to me. It said, “I’ll do anything you ask me to.” And I believed it! I sang it with conviction. When the vocalist said that part of the verse the second time around I said out loud, “Yes, I will Lord!” And then He said back to me, “but, will you really?” He quickly reminded me of the time I didn’t put back all the carts. He reminded me of the time I delayed in picking up the smashed plastic bottle in the parking lot of my church. This saddened me. And I began to question whether or not I was truly willing to be an empty vessel for Him. Am I, Monica, truly willing to put aside my agenda for the purposes of God? And see God, He is sooo good, that He even went as far as to explain to me why these menial things are so important to Him. He did it by reminded me of something my sister said the day before yesterday. She said, “It makes me wonder how many people miss their blessing because of other people’s unwillingness to just do what God asks of them.” She said this referring to something I did this weekend out of obedience to my conscience and ultimately the Lord (Romans 2:15). You see, listening to God this weekend turned out to be a huge blessing for someone else. It wasn’t evident that in making that decision such a blessing would come out of my obedience, but it did. As a matter of fact, I was just as hesitant, if not more, to follow God’s lead as I was the day of the shopping carts. But this time I did it. And I actually got to hear of the blessing it produced!
The truth is I don’t think God is all that concerned with shopping carts or trash. I mean, I know he cares, because it’s all His anyway. However, I do not believe that He is asking in a legalistic way. Therefore, I am not saying that from now on, you should all be concerned with picking up every piece of trash you see. And maybe He DOES want that! I don’t know. All I am saying is that for me, in my walk, it is extremely important to obey even what seems to be ridiculous or unworthy of attention. How do I know that putting up those shopping carts would not have put me in the perfect position to minister to someone very much in need? Or what if I never knew what kind of blessing that action would put into motion, but there was a blessing coming out of it none the less? And so I asked myself, “Whose blessing did I steal that day?”
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Rebuke that thought!
"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)
Going through recovery, of any kind, is not an easy task. Add to it, Satan's desire to put anything and everything in your way to deter you, and you got yourself a calamity! To this day, Satan continues to murmur into my ear his cunning lies of victory over the cross. When I was first getting sober, I would hear Satan say, "You can't handle this. You NEED alcohol and drugs to live! You will not be able to handle your circumstances without them." But that was just a lie!!! Casting Crowns' song, "Voice of Truth," gives a clear description of the spiritual warfare that I was going through: "...the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me, reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed. The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again..., you'll never win! BUT the Voice of Truth tells me a different story."
Satan is a conquered foe my friend! Sentence has already been passed on him (Matthew 25:41). The true battle is in our minds! Since this is so, all we must do now is remind him that he has been defeated. We take those thoughts, or shall I say, lies from Satan, captive by speaking out loud against them, as Jesus did in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11), rebuking them in Jesus' name. And then, we replace that evil thought by the truth, which is the Word of God. This too, Jesus did in the wilderness when He began to say back to Satan what the scriptures said. In the end we witness that, "the devil left Him; and angels came and began to minister to Him (vs.11)."
We have the victory through the precious blood of Jesus. We just have to TAKE authority over the lie/thought. For this, my friend, we have to stay, actively, in the Word of God. You can't remind Satan of truth if you don't learn it through reading His mighty living word (Hebrews 4:12)! Praise the Lord!!!
2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)
Going through recovery, of any kind, is not an easy task. Add to it, Satan's desire to put anything and everything in your way to deter you, and you got yourself a calamity! To this day, Satan continues to murmur into my ear his cunning lies of victory over the cross. When I was first getting sober, I would hear Satan say, "You can't handle this. You NEED alcohol and drugs to live! You will not be able to handle your circumstances without them." But that was just a lie!!! Casting Crowns' song, "Voice of Truth," gives a clear description of the spiritual warfare that I was going through: "...the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me, reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed. The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again..., you'll never win! BUT the Voice of Truth tells me a different story."
Satan is a conquered foe my friend! Sentence has already been passed on him (Matthew 25:41). The true battle is in our minds! Since this is so, all we must do now is remind him that he has been defeated. We take those thoughts, or shall I say, lies from Satan, captive by speaking out loud against them, as Jesus did in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11), rebuking them in Jesus' name. And then, we replace that evil thought by the truth, which is the Word of God. This too, Jesus did in the wilderness when He began to say back to Satan what the scriptures said. In the end we witness that, "the devil left Him; and angels came and began to minister to Him (vs.11)."
We have the victory through the precious blood of Jesus. We just have to TAKE authority over the lie/thought. For this, my friend, we have to stay, actively, in the Word of God. You can't remind Satan of truth if you don't learn it through reading His mighty living word (Hebrews 4:12)! Praise the Lord!!!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Get to the Inside
“…First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.”
Matthew 23:26 (NIV)
I have a history of chronic relapse. The first time I tried to quit drinking and using was when I was 18. And since that point, I must have tried to quit 12 to 15 times. And every time I tried to quit, I instantly would become obsessed with losing weight and eating healthy. One of those times my sponsor had suggested that I put my exterior on hold for the purposes of attacking full-force the disease that was killing me most, alcohol and drug addiction. What she said that day still resounds when I notice I am paying more attention to exterior matters than my spiritual welfare. She said that when I take care of my recovery (reading the word of God, taking my inventory and making amends) that everything else would fall into place. Essentially what she was saying was to take care of washing the inside of my cup. For me, my cup is my spirit and my soul (mind, will and emotions).
A few years ago, I set out to order all my pictures chronologically so that I could arrange them in albums by year. As I was going down memory lane I came across a picture of myself at my niece’s birthday party. I remembered that day as it was yesterday! I remembered that I had originally put on a long sleeve, fitted, pistachio-green shirt. I felt so fat in it!! So I changed. Then I changed again, until I came across the shirt in the picture. It was a sleeveless and very loose tank top. The funny thing is that, as I was sitting there looking at the picture, I found myself longing to weigh what I weighed back then. I remember saying to God, “Lord, what I would give to be at that weight now.” And yet, back then, that weight had not been good enough. What’s more…I actually weigh much more now than I did at my niece’s birthday party yet, I feel much thinner than ever! I truly had an epiphany that day! I realized that the way I see myself on the outside is directly related to my spiritual condition.
I notice that when I am actively in the Word, my exterior aligns itself with the truth of the word of God. I am a three part being; spirit, soul and then body. When my spirit and my soul are aligned with the Word of God, my body follows accordingly. My spirit and my soul tell my body how to react. The coolest thing of all this is that physical aesthetics isn’t the only thing that is affected. I also mean my attitude and my behavior, what I say and what I project. And since God is love (1 John 4:16 NIV), and I am recreated in His image, then that means that the more I am in the Word, the more I outwardly express patience, kindness, goodwill, selflessness, forgiveness, trust, hope and perseverance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV) to others as well as myself!!! I praise God for always completing the good work in me!
Matthew 23:26 (NIV)
I have a history of chronic relapse. The first time I tried to quit drinking and using was when I was 18. And since that point, I must have tried to quit 12 to 15 times. And every time I tried to quit, I instantly would become obsessed with losing weight and eating healthy. One of those times my sponsor had suggested that I put my exterior on hold for the purposes of attacking full-force the disease that was killing me most, alcohol and drug addiction. What she said that day still resounds when I notice I am paying more attention to exterior matters than my spiritual welfare. She said that when I take care of my recovery (reading the word of God, taking my inventory and making amends) that everything else would fall into place. Essentially what she was saying was to take care of washing the inside of my cup. For me, my cup is my spirit and my soul (mind, will and emotions).
A few years ago, I set out to order all my pictures chronologically so that I could arrange them in albums by year. As I was going down memory lane I came across a picture of myself at my niece’s birthday party. I remembered that day as it was yesterday! I remembered that I had originally put on a long sleeve, fitted, pistachio-green shirt. I felt so fat in it!! So I changed. Then I changed again, until I came across the shirt in the picture. It was a sleeveless and very loose tank top. The funny thing is that, as I was sitting there looking at the picture, I found myself longing to weigh what I weighed back then. I remember saying to God, “Lord, what I would give to be at that weight now.” And yet, back then, that weight had not been good enough. What’s more…I actually weigh much more now than I did at my niece’s birthday party yet, I feel much thinner than ever! I truly had an epiphany that day! I realized that the way I see myself on the outside is directly related to my spiritual condition.
I notice that when I am actively in the Word, my exterior aligns itself with the truth of the word of God. I am a three part being; spirit, soul and then body. When my spirit and my soul are aligned with the Word of God, my body follows accordingly. My spirit and my soul tell my body how to react. The coolest thing of all this is that physical aesthetics isn’t the only thing that is affected. I also mean my attitude and my behavior, what I say and what I project. And since God is love (1 John 4:16 NIV), and I am recreated in His image, then that means that the more I am in the Word, the more I outwardly express patience, kindness, goodwill, selflessness, forgiveness, trust, hope and perseverance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV) to others as well as myself!!! I praise God for always completing the good work in me!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Strength Perfected
"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness..."
2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)
This past Sunday had to have been one of the most oppressive days I have had in a long while! You would probably laugh if I told you the details because truly, these things that got to me, are silly, especially in light of my past struggles. But I have to tell ya...I truly felt Satan's foot on my neck!
I finally make it to service, after a hectic and trying morning, and sat down and attempted to attain some sort of peace. As I sat there, I looked all around and began to think of how puny I was feeling. I felt so frail and empty. I felt vulnerable and extremely weak. Hagar's word's came to my mouth and I whispered, "God, you see me!" And it was as if those few words opened up the gates of heaven with revelation because thoughts kept flooding my mind of how all-knowing and all-powerful God truly is. How He doesn't skip a beat and never sleeps. How HE is soo on top of things, yes, even of the things going on in MY life! I instantly felt a greater respect, adoration and reverence for the Lord. I admired Him more and loved Him more and I could feel how even my trust in Him grew from just those few moments in thought. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. And these were not tears of sadness but tears of awareness. Awareness of His presence and His power and His great and glorious Love! And I thanked Him for my weakness. I thanked Him for my weakness that day because it was through that weakness that I was able to grasp the caliber of His strength! And right then and there He said to me, "for my strength is made perfect in weakness Monica." And like a ton of bricks it hit me! This scripture isn't saying that God's strength was not perfect until I had some sort of weakness. And then as a result of my weakness His strength was made perfect. God IS PERFECT, so His strength has been perfect all along. But not in my mind. In my mind doubt still lingered at times and preoccupation with my troubles would hang around me because of my level of trust in God and His love. And what this magnificent scripture is saying is that His strength is magnified in my spirit and mind due to this weakness! The reality of His great power is solidified by my thorn in the flesh! Glory to Him who is LOVE!
M
2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)
This past Sunday had to have been one of the most oppressive days I have had in a long while! You would probably laugh if I told you the details because truly, these things that got to me, are silly, especially in light of my past struggles. But I have to tell ya...I truly felt Satan's foot on my neck!
I finally make it to service, after a hectic and trying morning, and sat down and attempted to attain some sort of peace. As I sat there, I looked all around and began to think of how puny I was feeling. I felt so frail and empty. I felt vulnerable and extremely weak. Hagar's word's came to my mouth and I whispered, "God, you see me!" And it was as if those few words opened up the gates of heaven with revelation because thoughts kept flooding my mind of how all-knowing and all-powerful God truly is. How He doesn't skip a beat and never sleeps. How HE is soo on top of things, yes, even of the things going on in MY life! I instantly felt a greater respect, adoration and reverence for the Lord. I admired Him more and loved Him more and I could feel how even my trust in Him grew from just those few moments in thought. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. And these were not tears of sadness but tears of awareness. Awareness of His presence and His power and His great and glorious Love! And I thanked Him for my weakness. I thanked Him for my weakness that day because it was through that weakness that I was able to grasp the caliber of His strength! And right then and there He said to me, "for my strength is made perfect in weakness Monica." And like a ton of bricks it hit me! This scripture isn't saying that God's strength was not perfect until I had some sort of weakness. And then as a result of my weakness His strength was made perfect. God IS PERFECT, so His strength has been perfect all along. But not in my mind. In my mind doubt still lingered at times and preoccupation with my troubles would hang around me because of my level of trust in God and His love. And what this magnificent scripture is saying is that His strength is magnified in my spirit and mind due to this weakness! The reality of His great power is solidified by my thorn in the flesh! Glory to Him who is LOVE!
M
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Criticism Falls where Criticism is Given
Criticism Falls Where Criticism is Given
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2
Where does that dread of being criticized even come from? Why every time I invite people over to my house for dinner or something similar to that do I get knotted up inside as though my intestines were tangled up with my heart and lungs and I can hardly breathe? Why does, all of the sudden, every single imperfection of myself or my house become magnified even at the thought of having guests?
I went to a birthday party this weekend. As I pulled up I instantly sized up the house. I made a self note how, from the outside, it was not much bigger than mine. I rang the doorbell and walked in looking all around pinpointing the things I would do differently. I did take the time to compliment on the awesome dining room table. And immediately afterward I made another self note of how cluttered it was in the kitchen. As time went on and I had more time to inspect, I realized that much like my house, this house was covered in dust! The picture frames I picked up, in order to get a better glance, were layered in dust and there was memorabilia of 30 years plus everywhere. Instead of feeling some sort of camaraderie in that we both struggled to have things organized and cleaned because of our busy schedules, I became critical and judgmental.
Conviction fell over me like a blanket and as I sat at that beautiful dining room table I begged God to tell me why on earth I was behaving that way. Why was I being so evil when I too struggled with keeping my place clean? I asked for God to forgive me and vowed to be mindful of my thoughts. Almost instantly Rhonda begins to say to me, “I get so anxious in gatherings like this.” I, of course, asked “why?” She proceeded to tell me how she was embarrassed of her home. How small it was compared to her sister-in-law’s and how her sister-in-law had enough money to have “nice things” and a big enough house in which to put them. She continued by saying her house was full of dust and it was cluttered but that those were all things she had either bought or been given throughout her life. And as she continued to speak I heard her voice transforming into mine, saying the same things to someone who had recently been over to my house! I felt like lying my head down and crying right then and there. How could I have possibly judged her? All I was doing was judging and condemning myself!
Matthew 7:1-2 says it so plainly, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” God brought this verse to my mind. I learned that day that the dread of being criticized is born within me. I learned that because I judged and criticized others upon entering their homes, I expected people to do the same to me. What freedom I have when I give grace! When grace I give, grace I get! I purpose now to refrain from this cycle of judge and be judged. When a critical thought enters my mind, I renounce it. I praise God for loving me so much that he was faithful to show me the plank in my eye so that I may free my sisters from my criticism of the speck in theirs.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2
Where does that dread of being criticized even come from? Why every time I invite people over to my house for dinner or something similar to that do I get knotted up inside as though my intestines were tangled up with my heart and lungs and I can hardly breathe? Why does, all of the sudden, every single imperfection of myself or my house become magnified even at the thought of having guests?
I went to a birthday party this weekend. As I pulled up I instantly sized up the house. I made a self note how, from the outside, it was not much bigger than mine. I rang the doorbell and walked in looking all around pinpointing the things I would do differently. I did take the time to compliment on the awesome dining room table. And immediately afterward I made another self note of how cluttered it was in the kitchen. As time went on and I had more time to inspect, I realized that much like my house, this house was covered in dust! The picture frames I picked up, in order to get a better glance, were layered in dust and there was memorabilia of 30 years plus everywhere. Instead of feeling some sort of camaraderie in that we both struggled to have things organized and cleaned because of our busy schedules, I became critical and judgmental.
Conviction fell over me like a blanket and as I sat at that beautiful dining room table I begged God to tell me why on earth I was behaving that way. Why was I being so evil when I too struggled with keeping my place clean? I asked for God to forgive me and vowed to be mindful of my thoughts. Almost instantly Rhonda begins to say to me, “I get so anxious in gatherings like this.” I, of course, asked “why?” She proceeded to tell me how she was embarrassed of her home. How small it was compared to her sister-in-law’s and how her sister-in-law had enough money to have “nice things” and a big enough house in which to put them. She continued by saying her house was full of dust and it was cluttered but that those were all things she had either bought or been given throughout her life. And as she continued to speak I heard her voice transforming into mine, saying the same things to someone who had recently been over to my house! I felt like lying my head down and crying right then and there. How could I have possibly judged her? All I was doing was judging and condemning myself!
Matthew 7:1-2 says it so plainly, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” God brought this verse to my mind. I learned that day that the dread of being criticized is born within me. I learned that because I judged and criticized others upon entering their homes, I expected people to do the same to me. What freedom I have when I give grace! When grace I give, grace I get! I purpose now to refrain from this cycle of judge and be judged. When a critical thought enters my mind, I renounce it. I praise God for loving me so much that he was faithful to show me the plank in my eye so that I may free my sisters from my criticism of the speck in theirs.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The Heart Speaks
"...For whatever is in your heart determines what you say." Matthew 12:34 (NLT)
Proverbs 18:21 says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. We can speak blessings or curses. And through them, we will either produce life or death.
My life in recovery is exactly that...LIFE! I can hardly say that I was LIVING before recovery. I mean, yes my heart was beating and I was moving around doing things, however, my spirit and soul were dead. I can go back to memories of bad-mouthing myself. Speaking about how ugly I was, how worthless I was, how unworthy I was, how fat I was, how stupid was...you catch my drift? I didn't know it then, but now I realize that I was in a perpetual state of speaking death over myself. This only caused a cycle to start. The more trash I said about myself, the more trash I had become in my mind, and therefore, the more drugs and alcohol I needed to have to feel better about myself. Once the effect of those drugs and alcohol wore off, I'd be hitting myself over the head with the guilt and shame hammer, speaking more death over myself, which would make me want to drink and use again in order to feel better! I was trapped!!!
Matthew 12:34 spoke volumes to me. If it is a condition of the heart, then in order to change the things I speak, something needs to change in my heart! But how?
Proverbs 2:1-10 says that when we discover what it truly means to fear the Lord, wisdom will enter our hearts! As a pastor once so clearly put it, the word FEAR here is speaking of a reverence for the Lord that produces obedience. And what these verses are saying is that, if I obey my Lord, seeking with all my heart to do what is right in His sight and I search for wisdom as for hidden treasure by reading his Word, then wisdom will enter my heart, changing its condition to a higher level and therefore changing my death words into words of life!
I am not superhuman, therefore, it is true that every once in a while, Satan or my own flesh tries to get me to believe a lie. However, when that happens, I purpose to stop that thought in its path and replace it with the words God uses to describe who I am in Him.
He is so faithful!
Proverbs 18:21 says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. We can speak blessings or curses. And through them, we will either produce life or death.
My life in recovery is exactly that...LIFE! I can hardly say that I was LIVING before recovery. I mean, yes my heart was beating and I was moving around doing things, however, my spirit and soul were dead. I can go back to memories of bad-mouthing myself. Speaking about how ugly I was, how worthless I was, how unworthy I was, how fat I was, how stupid was...you catch my drift? I didn't know it then, but now I realize that I was in a perpetual state of speaking death over myself. This only caused a cycle to start. The more trash I said about myself, the more trash I had become in my mind, and therefore, the more drugs and alcohol I needed to have to feel better about myself. Once the effect of those drugs and alcohol wore off, I'd be hitting myself over the head with the guilt and shame hammer, speaking more death over myself, which would make me want to drink and use again in order to feel better! I was trapped!!!
Matthew 12:34 spoke volumes to me. If it is a condition of the heart, then in order to change the things I speak, something needs to change in my heart! But how?
Proverbs 2:1-10 says that when we discover what it truly means to fear the Lord, wisdom will enter our hearts! As a pastor once so clearly put it, the word FEAR here is speaking of a reverence for the Lord that produces obedience. And what these verses are saying is that, if I obey my Lord, seeking with all my heart to do what is right in His sight and I search for wisdom as for hidden treasure by reading his Word, then wisdom will enter my heart, changing its condition to a higher level and therefore changing my death words into words of life!
I am not superhuman, therefore, it is true that every once in a while, Satan or my own flesh tries to get me to believe a lie. However, when that happens, I purpose to stop that thought in its path and replace it with the words God uses to describe who I am in Him.
He is so faithful!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Be Still
"Be Still and Know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
There have been many times in my life where I have been oppressed. I can't even count them on my two hands, or feet for that matter! Not only have I fought the battle against alcohol and drug addiction, which was definitely oppressive, but I have been oppressed even in what would seem like a simple matter.
My daughter, Charli, was born when Joshua was only 19 months old. To me, that is still considered babyhood. And although it is very possible to effectively have children with this difference in age, I was overwhelmed when it all came to pass! Not only were they close in age and my hormones were out of whack, but Charli turned out to have reflux, very bad reflux! She spent the first fifteen minutes after a feeding, which was every two hours mind you, projectile vomiting all over herself, my furniture and me!!! Not to mention that I am a professional perfectionist and this was something I could not handle!!! That, in and of itself, was ego crushing. I felt depressed, discouraged, weak, irritable, frustrated, worthless, messy, you name it!! Man I was spent!
As if that wasn't enough, during this time I struggled to keep myself in tune to God's word. I lacked the energy and desire to spend my regular devotion time with God. This in turn produced feelings of guilt and massive inadequacy! How was it that I, of all people, could not get a hold of this??? (can you sense the pride?)
So...what did I do? I went straight to work is what I did! In an attempt to being healed of my state of mind, I would walk up and down the hall way taking every ungodly thought captive, speaking scripture over myself like mad woman! I started taking communion every morning to remind Satan of what Christ did for me on the cross and how Jesus has delivered me from ALL the curses of the law! I prayed in the spirit, I applied the blood to myself and my circumstances over and over again and my gosh, was I running myself ragged! It didn't make sense! I was doing GOOD things. I was speaking the word, which is active and operative. Why did I feel worse?
I was watching TBN one day and a pastor was talking about Psalm 46:10. He translated the Hebrew word for "be still." He said it meant, "cease striving, stop fighting, show yourself some slack." WOW! The Holy Spirit met me right then and there and spoke to me. You see, all those things I did in my distress are not bad things. As a matter of fact, I believe that in times of trouble we do double! But God revealed to me that my heart was in the wrong place. I had become very proud and arrogant and that perfectionist in me decided that she was going to save herself from all these things instead of relying on God's grace and power! I was living in the law. It wasn't until I admitted to God how weak I was and told Him that He was just going to have to carry me through this one because I had nothing left to give, that the peace that surpasses understanding took over and I was finally at rest.
Praise God for His faithfulness and for loving me so much that he was willing to pull me aside and show me that it isn't about what I do, but about what He does in me!
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