I have to start out this post by saying that am very hesitant to even talk about it because I am still in the middle of this issue. Usually I like to share things that I have already overcome. Maybe because I want to assure you of the fact that the end of tight situations really does come. But really, if I am honest, I think its mostly pride. Ha, Ha, Ha!!! Its a lot easier to speak of a hurdle when you've overcome it than when you're smack dab in the middle of it, still wrestling. But I strongly felt led share this with you, not to mention my promise that I would be raw with you and face my fears.
Somewhere close to the beginning of 2013, my husband and I found ourselves without the financial stability we once had. And when I say "financial stability" I am actually talking about simply making just enough money to pay all our bills. I guess for me that was considered financial stability compared to what happened in the remaining portion of 2013 and even into 2014. Things were ok. My husband had a fulltime job in education and a second job teaching homebound students after school hours at their home. Yes we had a lot a debt, but fortunately and thankfully, what he was making all together was enough to cover all our expenses including our credit card payments. But something happened. The homebound students stopped coming in and extra tutoring jobs he would get here and there stopped too. Suddenly we found ourselves about $1,000 short every month. I felt asphyxiated, helpless and demoralized. It was a pitiful experience. What made it more pitiful was the fact that tithing to my church became questionable.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would ever give up tithing I would have told you that you were crazy! I loved tithing. I would get so excited to write the checks and give the money away. I'm not kidding!! I would giggle and be so giddy at the thought that I would be able to give this money to my church home. It was a natural and completely unquestionable way of doing life for me. As a matter of fact, I had been tithing since I was saved. The revelation of it being God's will for me to give Him back 10% of my increase, was given to me at the onset of my walk with Jesus, so....for me to even have a thought that there would ever be a day I would NOT tithe was unimaginable. Yet against all odds that day came.
I couldn't make sense out of tithing what I didn't have to tithe. I had bills to pay! We were already short as it was and now, I had to give even more of what I didn't have? I physically felt suffocated by the truth of our lack and morally and emotionally suffocated by the truth that, what once brought me joy was now hanging in the balance. How could I ever question tithing? How could I even think of withholding from God what I had always believed was the right thing to do??? Yet here I was actually considering not giving our tithe.
"Considering" not tithing quickly became not tithing itself and we were off to a blissful land of plenty! NOT! Things didn't feel right. And even though we found scriptural teachings that said tithing was not for today, I still felt lots of guilt and shame. I couldn't tithe and I couldn't NOT tithe. I quickly wanted to quit every team on which I belonged at the church. Principles our church was teaching were not being upheld so why should I be praying for people or leading worship? What kind of message would I be sending? It was terrible!
Amazingly in the midst of it all, one day, God suddenly came down and gave me peace. It was weird! How could I have peace not tithing? I truly believe God wanted for me to have a true heart conviction. That I wasn't just going to tithe because I knew in my head it was the right thing to do, but because I believed in it with my whole heart again. I believe He wanted me to seek Him. I believe that the peace He gave me was simply GRACE so that I could rest in Him while my heart was being mended and worked on. As I continued not tithing, I would still seek out prayer over the issue. I wanted the truth! I was desperate to know the truth. Praying about it made me humble. The more people I prayed with, the more peace I felt. I knew that God knew my heart and that I truly wanted to do what HE wanted me to do, yet I was conflicted. Why would God want me to tithe what I don't have? Why would He want me to give and put my family at risk? These were only some of the questions that would come into mind.
Toward the end of 2013 we borrowed a teaching series from our church that expanded on the 'why' of tithing. We only watched 3 of I think 7 DVDs total and it started to slowly work on my heart. I think it reminded me of all the reasons why I started tithing in the first place. One of the things this pastor mentioned was Malachi 3:10 that says, "Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my temple. If you do, says the Lord, I will open the windows of Heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!" Off the top of my head, I don't recall if the pastor in the series mentioned this scripture on video 3 or in the two before, but I am assuming he did because when it was over my husband and I said to each other, "Let's put Him to the test as he says to! Let's commit to tithe for the next three months and if we don't see Him move we will quit." This was a scripture I had heard several times before. It certainly was not anything new to me yet it seemed like a novel idea! And so we did! We went for it! Our Father surely DID NOT DISAPPOINT!!!
I want to tell you all about what happened next but there are so many other things and lessons learned that are attached to it. Things that my husband and I, now in 2015, are still going thru. So it would be way too long of a post to put it all here, but I will continue next week! I hope you come back to read about what happened next!!!
In the meantime, I want to say this...if you find yourself in a similar struggle of knowing whether or not to tithe, please do not feel any condemnation. That is NOT from God. Guilt and shame are NOT from the Lord!!! God wants you to give with a cheerful heart and not one of fear that all hell will break loose in your life. I encourage you to ask the people in your church to pray for you, even if it is embarrassing, like it was for me at first, to admit that you are questioning tithing. In my experience, the more I prayed the more humble I became and the bible says that God exalts the humble! I truly believe that!!! Hold on tight...He always reveals and always breaks through! Sometimes He breaks through A LOT slower than I would want Him to NEVERTHELESS, He is ALWAYS GOOD and if anything, He delays His breakthroughs so that when we finally DO get to that promise land our character and integrity are equipped and soo built up that we can manage the blessing without the blessing becoming an idol. I really believe that!
From me to you with so much Love! See you next week!
Friday, January 30, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Testimony
During the Christmas season I made gift baskets so I could sell them to businesses and current customers. I was honestly a lot terrified because most of my stops would be with people I have never met before. I was basically "cold calling" but in person! Here is a definition of cold calling: "a technique whereby a salesperson contacts individuals who have NOT PREVIOUSLY EXPRESSED AN INTEREST in the products or services being offered. I don't know about you but that sounds a little scary to me. But you know what? I did it anyway. I did it for my family so I could hopefully pay for our Christmas out of the increase.
The first and second day went really well. I was so happy and surprised at how many people really enjoyed looking at the product and getting excited to bless someone special in their lives! It was a great feeling! I loved it!
So, I went out again, but, on this day, my sales weren't too hot. I was definitely disappointed, especially because I had to take time away from my beautiful kids and my amazing husband. I sat there and thought for a while about how I was still thankful because I had at least done my part. Not many people wanted things that day and that was ok because I followed thru with my commitment to myself. Coming to this place of acceptance was good, and I felt peace, however, greater joy came after I got off the phone with my director.
She referenced the fact that she was so proud of me for overcoming the fear of simply getting out of my car. YES, I had shared with our team one day how getting out of the car was the hardest part. And so she commended me for just having done that. And Suddenly, it dawns on me that something so much greater was revealed and I was overjoyed! When I got off the phone I began to praise the Lord and thank Him for being so good to me.
You see...early on in my recovery from Alcohol and Drug addiction, as I was learning to live with out them, I would leave my house to run errands only to come back having not fulfilled one of them, NOT ONE! What would happen was that I would drive to these different stores to accomplish my tasks only to find myself absolutely terrified in the parking lot, sitting in my car completely paralyzed and unable to get out. I would park, wait for 10 minutes, drive off, come back, park again, wait another 10 or 15 minutes and then leave completely defeated and not having ever entered the store. This would happen over and over again. I would even go as far as going to the first store, do the whole "park and leave" thing, and think to myself that if I went to another store on my list first I would feel better and come back to this one. But I would go to the other store and the same stupid cycle would happen there!!! It was awful!
I had gotten so used to the way I did life prior to being sober that any event, without me being high in some way, was unbearable. I used to drive to the mall with a beer in my hand, another one wrapped in foil so that, while I went in really quickly to purchase what I was looking for, it wouldn't get cold. Then on my way out I would stop by the bar at the cheesecake factory and order a shot to validate my valet parking spot!!! Then it was back to the car, pop open the foil-wrapped beer and head out! If there was ever a time that I did do something sober, during my drinking and using days, I would do it with sunglasses on my face. For some reason that felt safe then.
But OH MY GOSH!!! Here I am, basically going door to door offering products to people who have NOT PREVIOOUSLY EXPRESSED AN INTEREST in them!!! AND I WAS SOBER!!! That is so huge!!! Look at what my amazing Father did for me! I was free! When I got off the phone with my director and I realized it, I was overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness to my God, my Lord Jesus! That was huge for me! This day went down in history as a victory! In spite of the fact that I didn't sell much at all, it was a WIN!
Now telling you this story in and of itself is a great testimony, but I can't write off until I've said this one last thing...There is a scripture in the Book of Revelation that says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. And I believe that 100%! I believe that giving a testimony is prophesying that the very thing He did for me, he can do for you too! If you are struggling with addiction and this hell of a prison, reach out to Jesus! It says in His word that He is not a respecter of persons, which means that He plays no favorites...I am no more special than you, and if He did it for me, He wants to do it for you too, if you allow Him!!! So call out to Him, just say His name if that's all you can bring yourself to do, He is faithful!!! Watch Him Move!!!
The first and second day went really well. I was so happy and surprised at how many people really enjoyed looking at the product and getting excited to bless someone special in their lives! It was a great feeling! I loved it!
So, I went out again, but, on this day, my sales weren't too hot. I was definitely disappointed, especially because I had to take time away from my beautiful kids and my amazing husband. I sat there and thought for a while about how I was still thankful because I had at least done my part. Not many people wanted things that day and that was ok because I followed thru with my commitment to myself. Coming to this place of acceptance was good, and I felt peace, however, greater joy came after I got off the phone with my director.
She referenced the fact that she was so proud of me for overcoming the fear of simply getting out of my car. YES, I had shared with our team one day how getting out of the car was the hardest part. And so she commended me for just having done that. And Suddenly, it dawns on me that something so much greater was revealed and I was overjoyed! When I got off the phone I began to praise the Lord and thank Him for being so good to me.
You see...early on in my recovery from Alcohol and Drug addiction, as I was learning to live with out them, I would leave my house to run errands only to come back having not fulfilled one of them, NOT ONE! What would happen was that I would drive to these different stores to accomplish my tasks only to find myself absolutely terrified in the parking lot, sitting in my car completely paralyzed and unable to get out. I would park, wait for 10 minutes, drive off, come back, park again, wait another 10 or 15 minutes and then leave completely defeated and not having ever entered the store. This would happen over and over again. I would even go as far as going to the first store, do the whole "park and leave" thing, and think to myself that if I went to another store on my list first I would feel better and come back to this one. But I would go to the other store and the same stupid cycle would happen there!!! It was awful!
I had gotten so used to the way I did life prior to being sober that any event, without me being high in some way, was unbearable. I used to drive to the mall with a beer in my hand, another one wrapped in foil so that, while I went in really quickly to purchase what I was looking for, it wouldn't get cold. Then on my way out I would stop by the bar at the cheesecake factory and order a shot to validate my valet parking spot!!! Then it was back to the car, pop open the foil-wrapped beer and head out! If there was ever a time that I did do something sober, during my drinking and using days, I would do it with sunglasses on my face. For some reason that felt safe then.
But OH MY GOSH!!! Here I am, basically going door to door offering products to people who have NOT PREVIOOUSLY EXPRESSED AN INTEREST in them!!! AND I WAS SOBER!!! That is so huge!!! Look at what my amazing Father did for me! I was free! When I got off the phone with my director and I realized it, I was overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness to my God, my Lord Jesus! That was huge for me! This day went down in history as a victory! In spite of the fact that I didn't sell much at all, it was a WIN!
Now telling you this story in and of itself is a great testimony, but I can't write off until I've said this one last thing...There is a scripture in the Book of Revelation that says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. And I believe that 100%! I believe that giving a testimony is prophesying that the very thing He did for me, he can do for you too! If you are struggling with addiction and this hell of a prison, reach out to Jesus! It says in His word that He is not a respecter of persons, which means that He plays no favorites...I am no more special than you, and if He did it for me, He wants to do it for you too, if you allow Him!!! So call out to Him, just say His name if that's all you can bring yourself to do, He is faithful!!! Watch Him Move!!!
Friday, January 16, 2015
Beauty is Such a Mess!!!
A few months ago I did a series of Sozo Inner Healing sessions. For those of you who are not familiar with it, it is basically a counseling session where prayer and the direction of the Holy Spirit take the lead. It is an amazing experience, and if you have not done one I greatly encourage you to do so! I love it because sometimes things get highlighted by the Holy Spirit that I didn't even know were in me. Other times I would come in with a personal hang-up and we would walk through it by prayer and God would reveal the root of it. I always left healed and drawn closer to Jesus.
One time I walked in wanting to be freed from this bondage of cleaning and having everything look good before I could sit down and enjoy some relaxing time. My children would ask me to do things with them or they would ask me if they could paint or play with playdoh and I would freeze up and get sooo tense. You would think they had asked me if they could destroy the kitchen. You see, in my mind, the mess that occurs during them "playing" is a MAJOR disaster. In my mind, when they ask to go outside on a rainy day, all I am thinking about is BIG CLUMPS of mud and NASTY HUGE WET leaves they are going to track into the house. In my mind, when they say they want to play outside with water, all I am thinking is that they are going to make a BIG HUGE MUD LAKE, get in it, and they will be SMOTHERED in mud. In my mind, when they ask to paint all I see is MY WHOLE KITCHEN TURNING INTO THE WORLD'S LARGEST PICASSO PAINTING. It feels as if there is absolutely no remedy at all to those things. So "no" was a very common response.
I didn't like it! I did not like that I would say no or be anxious all the time when asked to sit with them to play a game, as if the house were to fall down if I had stopped doing, doing, doing. At times I felt suffocated and guilty that I wasn't enjoying the moment and treasuring their presence. It became a nasty cycle of "if I sit and stop cleaning, the house will be a mess and I'll be anxious, so I won't sit, to avoid being anxious. Then I would say, "if I don't sit, I will feel guilty for not stopping and enjoying the moment." It was a true prison where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. And it drove me to exhaustion!
As you can imagine, when I walked in to my session I was adamant about getting this stuff kicked to the curb! I was tired and oppressed and I wanted out!!! We began to pray, worship music playing, questions asked, emotions revealed and somewhere in the middle of it all, God began to speak to my spirit and He said, "Beauty is messy!" He then gave me a vision. Several different scenes popped up in my mind but two were prominent. The first was a construction site. There was rubble everywhere! Dust from the materials was flying through the air and the construction workers were covered in it. There was an ugly fence containing it all to keep it from going out of bounds. And when I first looked at the half-built structure I couldn't make out exactly what the building was to be. Then suddenly all the dirt and chaos was gone, the fence was removed and before me stood a beautiful building made with so much precision and architectural skill! It was gorgeous! But the next scene in my mind was even better!!! God took me to a room in heaven. It was called the Creation Room. As I walked in all I could see was scraps of material flung everywhere. Kind of like that scene in Edward Scissor-hands when he cuts the bushes into amazing pieces of art. Things were flying everywhere! I stepped to the side of His presence to see what exactly was being created and, lo and behold! It was a human! It was us!!! Then He spoke into my spirit, "the mess before the finished product is simply a part of how we do things here!" And in the most gentle way He added, "for you to go against that is to go against the way I set things up." Geez! Just writing this makes me cry, so you know I was bawling at the scene! Something clicked in me that very moment and liberated me to have fun and make messes! It is a lot easier for me do move forward with something when I know it's God's way.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I never say, "No." And to be honest with you I don't think God was saying to say 'yes' to every God forsaken idea my children came up with, after all we are just making something beautiful, RIGHT??? NO! Not at all! The scriptures also say that there is a time and a place for everything. What I can say is that I am a whole lot less reluctant to let them explore and "take things out of the box," so to speak. I am far from having perfected this concept, but I see growth in me. Shoot! I can actually leave dirty dishes in the sink now and sit and watch T.V.! I can actually even sit through a whole movie now without getting up several times to pick something up! I do fail, I have to admit, and if you ask my kids they may even concur. But I know that God shared a truth with me that day that most certainly debunked the lie I had clung to, and now I can say (sometimes with gritted teeth, LOL) that it's ok because its supposed to be messy!!!
One time I walked in wanting to be freed from this bondage of cleaning and having everything look good before I could sit down and enjoy some relaxing time. My children would ask me to do things with them or they would ask me if they could paint or play with playdoh and I would freeze up and get sooo tense. You would think they had asked me if they could destroy the kitchen. You see, in my mind, the mess that occurs during them "playing" is a MAJOR disaster. In my mind, when they ask to go outside on a rainy day, all I am thinking about is BIG CLUMPS of mud and NASTY HUGE WET leaves they are going to track into the house. In my mind, when they say they want to play outside with water, all I am thinking is that they are going to make a BIG HUGE MUD LAKE, get in it, and they will be SMOTHERED in mud. In my mind, when they ask to paint all I see is MY WHOLE KITCHEN TURNING INTO THE WORLD'S LARGEST PICASSO PAINTING. It feels as if there is absolutely no remedy at all to those things. So "no" was a very common response.
I didn't like it! I did not like that I would say no or be anxious all the time when asked to sit with them to play a game, as if the house were to fall down if I had stopped doing, doing, doing. At times I felt suffocated and guilty that I wasn't enjoying the moment and treasuring their presence. It became a nasty cycle of "if I sit and stop cleaning, the house will be a mess and I'll be anxious, so I won't sit, to avoid being anxious. Then I would say, "if I don't sit, I will feel guilty for not stopping and enjoying the moment." It was a true prison where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. And it drove me to exhaustion!
As you can imagine, when I walked in to my session I was adamant about getting this stuff kicked to the curb! I was tired and oppressed and I wanted out!!! We began to pray, worship music playing, questions asked, emotions revealed and somewhere in the middle of it all, God began to speak to my spirit and He said, "Beauty is messy!" He then gave me a vision. Several different scenes popped up in my mind but two were prominent. The first was a construction site. There was rubble everywhere! Dust from the materials was flying through the air and the construction workers were covered in it. There was an ugly fence containing it all to keep it from going out of bounds. And when I first looked at the half-built structure I couldn't make out exactly what the building was to be. Then suddenly all the dirt and chaos was gone, the fence was removed and before me stood a beautiful building made with so much precision and architectural skill! It was gorgeous! But the next scene in my mind was even better!!! God took me to a room in heaven. It was called the Creation Room. As I walked in all I could see was scraps of material flung everywhere. Kind of like that scene in Edward Scissor-hands when he cuts the bushes into amazing pieces of art. Things were flying everywhere! I stepped to the side of His presence to see what exactly was being created and, lo and behold! It was a human! It was us!!! Then He spoke into my spirit, "the mess before the finished product is simply a part of how we do things here!" And in the most gentle way He added, "for you to go against that is to go against the way I set things up." Geez! Just writing this makes me cry, so you know I was bawling at the scene! Something clicked in me that very moment and liberated me to have fun and make messes! It is a lot easier for me do move forward with something when I know it's God's way.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I never say, "No." And to be honest with you I don't think God was saying to say 'yes' to every God forsaken idea my children came up with, after all we are just making something beautiful, RIGHT??? NO! Not at all! The scriptures also say that there is a time and a place for everything. What I can say is that I am a whole lot less reluctant to let them explore and "take things out of the box," so to speak. I am far from having perfected this concept, but I see growth in me. Shoot! I can actually leave dirty dishes in the sink now and sit and watch T.V.! I can actually even sit through a whole movie now without getting up several times to pick something up! I do fail, I have to admit, and if you ask my kids they may even concur. But I know that God shared a truth with me that day that most certainly debunked the lie I had clung to, and now I can say (sometimes with gritted teeth, LOL) that it's ok because its supposed to be messy!!!
Friday, January 9, 2015
Chosen
About a month ago, a friend of 20 years asked me to be her Matron of Honor. Of course I was excited to do it and honored that she would ask me! Especially because our contact has been very limited. She moved to California then recently to Austin and started a life. I stayed in San Antonio and started my own. I hadn't seen her in a really long time. We had spoken a few times here and there but quite honestly, in my mind, it wasn't to where I deserved by any means to be her Matron of Honor. I suppose her thoughts were different.
Days and months went by and in all that time my only task was to get my dress she bought for me. It is a gorgeous dress and to top it all off, it's PURPLE, a color that has huge prophetic meaning to me in this season of my life. So as you can imagine I was ecstatic!
The rehearsal dinner was finally here and I was hitching a ride to Austin with her sister-in-law, Cindy. When Cindy called me to settle logistics for pick up, she asked me a question that got my head spinning in all sorts of directions and instantly placed a yoke of guilt and shame over me. "Monica, do you know if Melynda has her something new, something borrowed and something blue?" Boom!!! Right then and there my heart sank and I even got flushed with embarrassment!!!
Oh my gosh!!! What had I done?? Or more accurately...look at everything I HAVE NOT DONE!!! As soon as I hung up I went to Bing and looked up all the responsibilities of a Matron of Honor. I was horrified!!! I did none, not one, of those things listed, from going to the food tasting to helping her shop for her dress, nothing, NOTHING!!! I couldn't believe it! The worst part is that it never even occurred to me to look up what my duties were! I never once said, "hmmm, how can I help my friend?" I felt awful to say the least. Of course I called Melynda straight away and told her how I realized that I probably had certain responsibilities about which I didn't even offer to do anything. I told her how sorry I was and that I loved her. She was so full of kindness and love that I all I could do was sit in humility and accept her grace towards me.
When the big day was said and done, I can't even count how many people came up to me to thank me for being such a good matron of honor, each expressing how Melynda had mentioned what an amazing help I had been. All I could do was nod and say, "thank you." Every now and then I would add, "but really I did nothing!" Apparently Melynda felt differently.
As I sat and pondered it all, I couldn't help but notice the Lord speaking to me so gently about how much He loves me, and about how this whole thing with Melynda's wedding was just a prophetic utterance of how it is with Him towards me! You see, I may not have done anything a Matron of Honor should do and I certainly wasn't qualified to be a Matron of Honor based on the fact that I didn't even realize that I had certain jobs to accomplish. BUT I WAS CHOSEN! She chose me! We hadn't talked often, we hadn't caught up as much as I would think a best friend should but she chose me anyway. And that's exactly what I felt Jesus was saying to me! "Monica I love you! I chose you, regardless of your past, I chose YOU! Your striving and obsessiveness in trying to please me is really unnecessary because since BEFORE I even formed you in the womb, I already knew and APPROVED of you (as my chosen instrument), and BEFORE you were born I separated you and set you apart and consecrated you!!!" Well, as you can imagine, I cried my eyes out, completely humbled by the love of my dad, my savior, my all in all.
And as if Melynda's show of grace wasn't enough, as my Matron gift she bought me a book I have been yearning to own! HA! Did I deserve it? NO! Did I earn it? Absolutely not! It was a gift, underserved and unearned, much like His grace is toward you and me! Praise be to GOD!!!!
Days and months went by and in all that time my only task was to get my dress she bought for me. It is a gorgeous dress and to top it all off, it's PURPLE, a color that has huge prophetic meaning to me in this season of my life. So as you can imagine I was ecstatic!
The rehearsal dinner was finally here and I was hitching a ride to Austin with her sister-in-law, Cindy. When Cindy called me to settle logistics for pick up, she asked me a question that got my head spinning in all sorts of directions and instantly placed a yoke of guilt and shame over me. "Monica, do you know if Melynda has her something new, something borrowed and something blue?" Boom!!! Right then and there my heart sank and I even got flushed with embarrassment!!!
Oh my gosh!!! What had I done?? Or more accurately...look at everything I HAVE NOT DONE!!! As soon as I hung up I went to Bing and looked up all the responsibilities of a Matron of Honor. I was horrified!!! I did none, not one, of those things listed, from going to the food tasting to helping her shop for her dress, nothing, NOTHING!!! I couldn't believe it! The worst part is that it never even occurred to me to look up what my duties were! I never once said, "hmmm, how can I help my friend?" I felt awful to say the least. Of course I called Melynda straight away and told her how I realized that I probably had certain responsibilities about which I didn't even offer to do anything. I told her how sorry I was and that I loved her. She was so full of kindness and love that I all I could do was sit in humility and accept her grace towards me.
When the big day was said and done, I can't even count how many people came up to me to thank me for being such a good matron of honor, each expressing how Melynda had mentioned what an amazing help I had been. All I could do was nod and say, "thank you." Every now and then I would add, "but really I did nothing!" Apparently Melynda felt differently.
As I sat and pondered it all, I couldn't help but notice the Lord speaking to me so gently about how much He loves me, and about how this whole thing with Melynda's wedding was just a prophetic utterance of how it is with Him towards me! You see, I may not have done anything a Matron of Honor should do and I certainly wasn't qualified to be a Matron of Honor based on the fact that I didn't even realize that I had certain jobs to accomplish. BUT I WAS CHOSEN! She chose me! We hadn't talked often, we hadn't caught up as much as I would think a best friend should but she chose me anyway. And that's exactly what I felt Jesus was saying to me! "Monica I love you! I chose you, regardless of your past, I chose YOU! Your striving and obsessiveness in trying to please me is really unnecessary because since BEFORE I even formed you in the womb, I already knew and APPROVED of you (as my chosen instrument), and BEFORE you were born I separated you and set you apart and consecrated you!!!" Well, as you can imagine, I cried my eyes out, completely humbled by the love of my dad, my savior, my all in all.
And as if Melynda's show of grace wasn't enough, as my Matron gift she bought me a book I have been yearning to own! HA! Did I deserve it? NO! Did I earn it? Absolutely not! It was a gift, underserved and unearned, much like His grace is toward you and me! Praise be to GOD!!!!
Friday, January 2, 2015
New Year's What?
Oh boy...it has been a very looooong time since I've seen this place! It feels good and scary all at the same time. But here goes nothing. I decided about a month ago, through prayer and lots of procrastination, that I would pick up writing in my blog again. I don't know why, but I know that I know that I know that it is time. My writing before is different from the way it will be this time. Or so I think. This time I don't plan on consistently trying to drive a point home, although that may very well happen sometimes. Honestly, I feel that this time it is more about just writing and being diligent. So forgive me if you happen to stumble on my page one day and it's not something super encouraging or deep. Nevertheless, I promise to be as real and uncomfortably raw as possible! Why??? I am SOOOO glad you asked...well, because it's part of my New Year's Resolution! WHAT? yes I said it...NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!
For a while now I have mocked the whole "New Year's celebration" and resolution-flinging that goes around this time of year. It's so like God to make me eat my words. You see, to me every day is a new day, a new chance to start over. Shoot! Sometimes every freakin' second of the day is an opportunity for a turnaround, at least that is how it is in MY life. So when everyone starts talking about all the new and improved year they are going to have just because the year changed, I kinda sorta giggle a little. But this year...this year it's different!!! No, really, it is! Maybe its because I am closer to being 40 or because I have had the crappiest past 2 years EVER regarding my faith. Maybe it is simply because I finally, concretely and most assuredly made this decision just this morning as I was praying and it happened to be New Year's Day! Dude I don't know, but its what I am calling it and I'm sticking to it...my New Year's Resolution.
What is it, you ask??? It is facing my fears and doing it anyway! Yep that's right, this year I intend to purposefully challenge myself to do whatever it is that I am afraid to do. Now I am not talking about sheer stupidity like jumping off a building or driving a car off a cliff. I mean things that will really shake in your boots and cause you to sweat but not die! Maybe it's an invitation to do something I never thought I was capable of doing. I don't know exactly what these things are but the point is to stretch and grow. I believe that conquering those things will serve as a catapult for the next level that the Lord has for me.
To be honest with you I really don't know the fullness of my fears. But I prayed this morning that the Lord would reveal them as the days go by and that I would have a very keen sense of fear-awareness so that I can purpose to question WHY they are there, WHEN they got planted there & WHAT I need to do to reverse that lie that I have accepted as truth. Needless to say, I am including you in this journey. Feel free to ask me if I have recently cowered and backed down to a fear. Go ahead! PLEASE, hold me accountable! If in the process I look like a fool, I'm cool with that because something tells me that at the end of it all, I will be refined and better than before! Yet to God be all the glory!!!
For a while now I have mocked the whole "New Year's celebration" and resolution-flinging that goes around this time of year. It's so like God to make me eat my words. You see, to me every day is a new day, a new chance to start over. Shoot! Sometimes every freakin' second of the day is an opportunity for a turnaround, at least that is how it is in MY life. So when everyone starts talking about all the new and improved year they are going to have just because the year changed, I kinda sorta giggle a little. But this year...this year it's different!!! No, really, it is! Maybe its because I am closer to being 40 or because I have had the crappiest past 2 years EVER regarding my faith. Maybe it is simply because I finally, concretely and most assuredly made this decision just this morning as I was praying and it happened to be New Year's Day! Dude I don't know, but its what I am calling it and I'm sticking to it...my New Year's Resolution.
What is it, you ask??? It is facing my fears and doing it anyway! Yep that's right, this year I intend to purposefully challenge myself to do whatever it is that I am afraid to do. Now I am not talking about sheer stupidity like jumping off a building or driving a car off a cliff. I mean things that will really shake in your boots and cause you to sweat but not die! Maybe it's an invitation to do something I never thought I was capable of doing. I don't know exactly what these things are but the point is to stretch and grow. I believe that conquering those things will serve as a catapult for the next level that the Lord has for me.
To be honest with you I really don't know the fullness of my fears. But I prayed this morning that the Lord would reveal them as the days go by and that I would have a very keen sense of fear-awareness so that I can purpose to question WHY they are there, WHEN they got planted there & WHAT I need to do to reverse that lie that I have accepted as truth. Needless to say, I am including you in this journey. Feel free to ask me if I have recently cowered and backed down to a fear. Go ahead! PLEASE, hold me accountable! If in the process I look like a fool, I'm cool with that because something tells me that at the end of it all, I will be refined and better than before! Yet to God be all the glory!!!
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