Be Still

"Be Still and Know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

There have been many times in my life where I have been oppressed. I can't even count them on my two hands, or feet for that matter! Not only have I fought the battle against alcohol and drug addiction, which was definitely oppressive, but I have been oppressed even in what would seem like a simple matter.

My daughter, Charli, was born when Joshua was only 19 months old. To me, that is still considered babyhood. And although it is very possible to effectively have children with this difference in age, I was overwhelmed when it all came to pass! Not only were they close in age and my hormones were out of whack, but Charli turned out to have reflux, very bad reflux! She spent the first fifteen minutes after a feeding, which was every two hours mind you, projectile vomiting all over herself, my furniture and me!!! Not to mention that I am a professional perfectionist and this was something I could not handle!!! That, in and of itself, was ego crushing. I felt depressed, discouraged, weak, irritable, frustrated, worthless, messy, you name it!! Man I was spent!

As if that wasn't enough, during this time I struggled to keep myself in tune to God's word. I lacked the energy and desire to spend my regular devotion time with God. This in turn produced feelings of guilt and massive inadequacy! How was it that I, of all people, could not get a hold of this??? (can you sense the pride?)

So...what did I do? I went straight to work is what I did! In an attempt to being healed of my state of mind, I would walk up and down the hall way taking every ungodly thought captive, speaking scripture over myself like mad woman! I started taking communion every morning to remind Satan of what Christ did for me on the cross and how Jesus has delivered me from ALL the curses of the law! I prayed in the spirit, I applied the blood to myself and my circumstances over and over again and my gosh, was I running myself ragged! It didn't make sense! I was doing GOOD things. I was speaking the word, which is active and operative. Why did I feel worse?

I was watching TBN one day and a pastor was talking about Psalm 46:10. He translated the Hebrew word for "be still." He said it meant, "cease striving, stop fighting, show yourself some slack." WOW! The Holy Spirit met me right then and there and spoke to me. You see, all those things I did in my distress are not bad things. As a matter of fact, I believe that in times of trouble we do double! But God revealed to me that my heart was in the wrong place. I had become very proud and arrogant and that perfectionist in me decided that she was going to save herself from all these things instead of relying on God's grace and power! I was living in the law. It wasn't until I admitted to God how weak I was and told Him that He was just going to have to carry me through this one because I had nothing left to give, that the peace that surpasses understanding took over and I was finally at rest.

Praise God for His faithfulness and for loving me so much that he was willing to pull me aside and show me that it isn't about what I do, but about what He does in me!