I have to start out this post by saying that am very hesitant to even talk about it because I am still in the middle of this issue. Usually I like to share things that I have already overcome. Maybe because I want to assure you of the fact that the end of tight situations really does come. But really, if I am honest, I think its mostly pride. Ha, Ha, Ha!!! Its a lot easier to speak of a hurdle when you've overcome it than when you're smack dab in the middle of it, still wrestling. But I strongly felt led share this with you, not to mention my promise that I would be raw with you and face my fears.
Somewhere close to the beginning of 2013, my husband and I found ourselves without the financial stability we once had. And when I say "financial stability" I am actually talking about simply making just enough money to pay all our bills. I guess for me that was considered financial stability compared to what happened in the remaining portion of 2013 and even into 2014. Things were ok. My husband had a fulltime job in education and a second job teaching homebound students after school hours at their home. Yes we had a lot a debt, but fortunately and thankfully, what he was making all together was enough to cover all our expenses including our credit card payments. But something happened. The homebound students stopped coming in and extra tutoring jobs he would get here and there stopped too. Suddenly we found ourselves about $1,000 short every month. I felt asphyxiated, helpless and demoralized. It was a pitiful experience. What made it more pitiful was the fact that tithing to my church became questionable.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would ever give up tithing I would have told you that you were crazy! I loved tithing. I would get so excited to write the checks and give the money away. I'm not kidding!! I would giggle and be so giddy at the thought that I would be able to give this money to my church home. It was a natural and completely unquestionable way of doing life for me. As a matter of fact, I had been tithing since I was saved. The revelation of it being God's will for me to give Him back 10% of my increase, was given to me at the onset of my walk with Jesus, so....for me to even have a thought that there would ever be a day I would NOT tithe was unimaginable. Yet against all odds that day came.
I couldn't make sense out of tithing what I didn't have to tithe. I had bills to pay! We were already short as it was and now, I had to give even more of what I didn't have? I physically felt suffocated by the truth of our lack and morally and emotionally suffocated by the truth that, what once brought me joy was now hanging in the balance. How could I ever question tithing? How could I even think of withholding from God what I had always believed was the right thing to do??? Yet here I was actually considering not giving our tithe.
"Considering" not tithing quickly became not tithing itself and we were off to a blissful land of plenty! NOT! Things didn't feel right. And even though we found scriptural teachings that said tithing was not for today, I still felt lots of guilt and shame. I couldn't tithe and I couldn't NOT tithe. I quickly wanted to quit every team on which I belonged at the church. Principles our church was teaching were not being upheld so why should I be praying for people or leading worship? What kind of message would I be sending? It was terrible!
Amazingly in the midst of it all, one day, God suddenly came down and gave me peace. It was weird! How could I have peace not tithing? I truly believe God wanted for me to have a true heart conviction. That I wasn't just going to tithe because I knew in my head it was the right thing to do, but because I believed in it with my whole heart again. I believe He wanted me to seek Him. I believe that the peace He gave me was simply GRACE so that I could rest in Him while my heart was being mended and worked on. As I continued not tithing, I would still seek out prayer over the issue. I wanted the truth! I was desperate to know the truth. Praying about it made me humble. The more people I prayed with, the more peace I felt. I knew that God knew my heart and that I truly wanted to do what HE wanted me to do, yet I was conflicted. Why would God want me to tithe what I don't have? Why would He want me to give and put my family at risk? These were only some of the questions that would come into mind.
Toward the end of 2013 we borrowed a teaching series from our church that expanded on the 'why' of tithing. We only watched 3 of I think 7 DVDs total and it started to slowly work on my heart. I think it reminded me of all the reasons why I started tithing in the first place. One of the things this pastor mentioned was Malachi 3:10 that says, "Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my temple. If you do, says the Lord, I will open the windows of Heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!" Off the top of my head, I don't recall if the pastor in the series mentioned this scripture on video 3 or in the two before, but I am assuming he did because when it was over my husband and I said to each other, "Let's put Him to the test as he says to! Let's commit to tithe for the next three months and if we don't see Him move we will quit." This was a scripture I had heard several times before. It certainly was not anything new to me yet it seemed like a novel idea! And so we did! We went for it! Our Father surely DID NOT DISAPPOINT!!!
I want to tell you all about what happened next but there are so many other things and lessons learned that are attached to it. Things that my husband and I, now in 2015, are still going thru. So it would be way too long of a post to put it all here, but I will continue next week! I hope you come back to read about what happened next!!!
In the meantime, I want to say this...if you find yourself in a similar struggle of knowing whether or not to tithe, please do not feel any condemnation. That is NOT from God. Guilt and shame are NOT from the Lord!!! God wants you to give with a cheerful heart and not one of fear that all hell will break loose in your life. I encourage you to ask the people in your church to pray for you, even if it is embarrassing, like it was for me at first, to admit that you are questioning tithing. In my experience, the more I prayed the more humble I became and the bible says that God exalts the humble! I truly believe that!!! Hold on tight...He always reveals and always breaks through! Sometimes He breaks through A LOT slower than I would want Him to NEVERTHELESS, He is ALWAYS GOOD and if anything, He delays His breakthroughs so that when we finally DO get to that promise land our character and integrity are equipped and soo built up that we can manage the blessing without the blessing becoming an idol. I really believe that!
From me to you with so much Love! See you next week!
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