A few months ago I did a series of Sozo Inner Healing sessions. For those of you who are not familiar with it, it is basically a counseling session where prayer and the direction of the Holy Spirit take the lead. It is an amazing experience, and if you have not done one I greatly encourage you to do so! I love it because sometimes things get highlighted by the Holy Spirit that I didn't even know were in me. Other times I would come in with a personal hang-up and we would walk through it by prayer and God would reveal the root of it. I always left healed and drawn closer to Jesus.
One time I walked in wanting to be freed from this bondage of cleaning and having everything look good before I could sit down and enjoy some relaxing time. My children would ask me to do things with them or they would ask me if they could paint or play with playdoh and I would freeze up and get sooo tense. You would think they had asked me if they could destroy the kitchen. You see, in my mind, the mess that occurs during them "playing" is a MAJOR disaster. In my mind, when they ask to go outside on a rainy day, all I am thinking about is BIG CLUMPS of mud and NASTY HUGE WET leaves they are going to track into the house. In my mind, when they say they want to play outside with water, all I am thinking is that they are going to make a BIG HUGE MUD LAKE, get in it, and they will be SMOTHERED in mud. In my mind, when they ask to paint all I see is MY WHOLE KITCHEN TURNING INTO THE WORLD'S LARGEST PICASSO PAINTING. It feels as if there is absolutely no remedy at all to those things. So "no" was a very common response.
I didn't like it! I did not like that I would say no or be anxious all the time when asked to sit with them to play a game, as if the house were to fall down if I had stopped doing, doing, doing. At times I felt suffocated and guilty that I wasn't enjoying the moment and treasuring their presence. It became a nasty cycle of "if I sit and stop cleaning, the house will be a mess and I'll be anxious, so I won't sit, to avoid being anxious. Then I would say, "if I don't sit, I will feel guilty for not stopping and enjoying the moment." It was a true prison where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. And it drove me to exhaustion!
As you can imagine, when I walked in to my session I was adamant about getting this stuff kicked to the curb! I was tired and oppressed and I wanted out!!! We began to pray, worship music playing, questions asked, emotions revealed and somewhere in the middle of it all, God began to speak to my spirit and He said, "Beauty is messy!" He then gave me a vision. Several different scenes popped up in my mind but two were prominent. The first was a construction site. There was rubble everywhere! Dust from the materials was flying through the air and the construction workers were covered in it. There was an ugly fence containing it all to keep it from going out of bounds. And when I first looked at the half-built structure I couldn't make out exactly what the building was to be. Then suddenly all the dirt and chaos was gone, the fence was removed and before me stood a beautiful building made with so much precision and architectural skill! It was gorgeous! But the next scene in my mind was even better!!! God took me to a room in heaven. It was called the Creation Room. As I walked in all I could see was scraps of material flung everywhere. Kind of like that scene in Edward Scissor-hands when he cuts the bushes into amazing pieces of art. Things were flying everywhere! I stepped to the side of His presence to see what exactly was being created and, lo and behold! It was a human! It was us!!! Then He spoke into my spirit, "the mess before the finished product is simply a part of how we do things here!" And in the most gentle way He added, "for you to go against that is to go against the way I set things up." Geez! Just writing this makes me cry, so you know I was bawling at the scene! Something clicked in me that very moment and liberated me to have fun and make messes! It is a lot easier for me do move forward with something when I know it's God's way.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I never say, "No." And to be honest with you I don't think God was saying to say 'yes' to every God forsaken idea my children came up with, after all we are just making something beautiful, RIGHT??? NO! Not at all! The scriptures also say that there is a time and a place for everything. What I can say is that I am a whole lot less reluctant to let them explore and "take things out of the box," so to speak. I am far from having perfected this concept, but I see growth in me. Shoot! I can actually leave dirty dishes in the sink now and sit and watch T.V.! I can actually even sit through a whole movie now without getting up several times to pick something up! I do fail, I have to admit, and if you ask my kids they may even concur. But I know that God shared a truth with me that day that most certainly debunked the lie I had clung to, and now I can say (sometimes with gritted teeth, LOL) that it's ok because its supposed to be messy!!!
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